For Suzie:

It was almost two years ago that we sat in this room and heard Cousin Jim talk about losing his Rook partner and hero, when my Cousin Dave died.    And here we are again where I will stand and tell you, I too, have lost my hero.

When Sue was in Hospice the first time, I came to visit her one night.   It was just before Halloween.    I told her I was going to wear a 1920’s flapper costume and that Jeff and I were going to a dance and we’d stop by to see her.   I brought her her own “flapper” costume – a headband with a feather, a long string of really cheap pearls – for her to wear.    So the next day, with Jeff as James Bond (meaning he wore his tux and carried a fake gun) and me as a flapper, after our party we went to visit Suzie.    Well, you know how Suzie likes a party, so instead of dancing in her room we had the big gathering room at Hospice, they rolled her bed down the hall and Jeff and I danced until she was tired.   She told me, the day before, that I was her hero, for winning my fight with breast cancer.   I shrugged it off and said “I didn’t do anything”.    But that night, dressed in a red fringed dress and standing by her bed I told her that wasn’t what I meant to say at all.   What I MEANT to say was “Thank You.    You’re my hero too."  

Cousin Sue was magic to a little girl growing up.   Each of the sisters, Hazel, Mattie and Mae, had 2 girls.  Somehow it seemed that they paired up with Sandy and Jeannie, and Sue and Vicky.    Then, when Michelle and I were growing  up, I just KNEW in my heart that I belonged with Sue and Vicky, and Michelle belonged with Sandy and Jeannie.   And, no offense intended to Sandy and Jeannie, because they are wonderful, loving, fun, caring women,  but wow.... there was just nothing like being included with Sue and Vick.    They were the epitome of “cool” for an 8 year old girl.   Sue would take us for Sunday drives, buy us ice cream, cruise the local Frisch’s.   She drew the most wonderful pictures of models with clothes that she designed herself.   She would color with me and never go outside the lines.   I was a big mama’s girl, and never spent the night at a girlfriend’s house.   I was in college before I started going to Sue’s to spend the night with her!    She taught me so much.    Like, how to wrap a blanket around us and put our feet over the register, because her house was SO COLD!   And how, if someone is coming to visit, you can hide your dirty dishes in the oven.   We learned also that you should remove any Tupperware before trying to USE the oven.  

In her continuing education program she called “Teaching Robyn Not to Have Children”, she let me take HERS places... fun places like the eye doctor!   She also tried to teach me shorthand, when I needed it to get a job.   Once, on one of those nights when we were sitting on the floor in her living room, we smoked some marijuana and laughed until the wee hours.    But we only did it once.    And don’t worry Mom, we didn’t inhale.    We would do the sex quizzes found in the back of Cosmo magazine, you know, the ones with titles like “Do Your Kisses Turn Him On?”, but we made up all our answers.   She was the best friend a young girl could have.   We got our first kittens from a litter that Sue’s cat had – Kitty and PeeWee.   Oh Sue did not want to let us have them!   Michelle and I were young; probably 2 and 5, and Sue just knew we would be mean to them.   Well, we weren’t, and on the day that Kitty died, some 16 years later, it was Sue that I went to.    She didn’t hug, or say she was sorry.   Instead, she turned around, stuck her butt in the air and said “do you need to kick something?”   Laughter is often the best medicine.

Sue didn’t just entertain me.   In fact, when Jim spoke two years ago, he called Sue “our entertainment committee” and noted that she has filled our lives with joy and happiness.    There was the trip to Branson when Sue was trying to sleep on the hide-a-bed and it folded up on her.   And the matching glitter sweatshirts she made for everyone.   Indeed, “sparkle” was her favorite color.    Of course you see the gold shoes in the flower arrangement here.   The family turned the tables on Sue and really got her good with that one.     

Sometimes, she entertained complete strangers.   Mom, Sue and I (along with Michelle, Ashley and Melanie) went to a county fair to see Billy “Crash” Craddock in concert.   Sue and I sat through two concerts, singing every word and swooning when he sang or moved.   The man in the row behind us leaned forward to say “you two are more entertaining than he is!”   

Others who knew and loved her offered stories as well.  

Jim and Sue once took a trip to Canada to see where Tecumseh was buried.    Sue must have been really bored that day!   So they drove north and reached the decision point… take the bridge, or take the tunnel under the lake.    Both of them HATED bridges AND tunnels!   So they white-knuckled it across the bridge.    They drove around, found what they were looking for and are ready to head home.    Jim looks at Sue and says “I don’t know if I can do that bridge again.”   Sue agrees.    They decide to go thru the tunnel.    As soon as they get to the tunnel, to a point where there is no turning back, they see construction going on, water all over the ground and it’s “raining” in the tunnel.    The only way they got through it was by laughing hysterically all the way through the tunnel.   They were still laughing when they got to Customs.    The agents probably thought they were crazy.   

Jessie and Marlene would meet Sue and Sandy and Kelsey at the Family Restaurant.    They’d visit and eat and visit some more.    Sue loved these excursions and always had her makeup on and her red lipstick.     Sue & Sandy both bought cars from Marlene’s husband, Sam.   Sue was nice and kept hers but Sandy would call Sam whenever ANYTHING went wrong with her car for YEARS.    

Anne told me of her first trip to Dayton after she and Jim were married and Sue and Anne were going shopping to Michaels.    Sue asked Anne, seemingly in earnest, if she and Jim were going to have children.    Anne was 52.    Anne barely knew Sue at the time, and answered, no.   If she had it to do over again now, she’d probably say “that’s why we had to get married so quickly”.  

Sue and Charlotte have been friends since they were 12.    Charlotte wanted it noted, however, that even though they were both 12 when they met, Sue was a lot older than Charlotte now.   When they were young (but legal!) Charlotte and Sue loved to go out and dance.    Sue sometimes had a beer   They’d go to the Twilight Club or the Diamond Club.      Now my Aunt Hazel (Mrs. Gross to Charlotte) really didn’t like them going to those horrible places.   So, one night she convinced Mr. Gross (that would be my Uncle Pot) to go find Sue and bring her home.   So there they sat in the Twilight Club when in he walked.   Now Charlotte said if that had been her dad, she would have been terrified.   Not Sue!   She wasn’t scared, she was mad.   She said “What are you doing here?”    “I think it’s time you came home.”    Her brave reply?   “I’ll come home when I’m done here”.     Well, she was probably done pretty soon after and Charlotte can’t tell what happened when Sue went home because she didn’t have enough nerve to go in with her!  I’m betting she ended up on restriction!

So yes, as Jim told us before Sue was our entertainment committee.   Dave was the heart.  We have also lost our dear cousin Adam and brave cousin Jamie so recently.  We have lost them all far too soon.    Our hearts go out to those remaining….  To Roland, who Jim called the rock and the backbone of the family.    He has certainly been a rock for us all through the last few months.  To Scott and Jenni, who have lost their mother and their biggest fan.    Dear Kelsey – there was no one in the world that Granny loved more than you.    And Sandy, who Jim called “the nurturer, the one to take care and to nurture and be there when needed”.   Boy, did he ever call that one right.    Sandy stepped up and stepped in to take care of Sue when she most needed it.    Sandy gave Sue what she wanted most – another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, another birthday with her beloved Kelsey and Jenni.   And Sue will not stop entertaining us, simply because she has gone on ahead.   We could tell stories about Sue for weeks!   And tell them, we will, for in telling the stories, we will keep her with us, in our hearts, forever.

I’d like to close with my favorite scripture, from the book of Revelation, Chapter 21.

3. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.   They will be his people, and God himself with be with them and be their God

4. He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 

5. He who was seated on the throne said "I am making everything new!"  Then he said "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

You know what my favorite part of that is?   The last line:  "Write this down."  I have a vision of the Apostle John looking unbelievingly, because that was just too good to be true.   No more death or crying or pain?   He just couldn't imagine it.   And God said "Go on... write it down.   I'm telling you the truth."

So we know that all our loved one have gone to a pace where they will never hurt.  They will never again be sick.  They will never shed a tear.   They will never experience the terrible loss we feel today.

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17 Years on the “Yellow Brick Road” of Faith

(My cancer story as spoken at the Survivor’s Rally - Relay for Life 06/07/09)

My name is Jamie, and I’m 56 years old.    I have survived cancer for 17 years. Just as Dorothy in the story of The Wizard of Oz was picked up by a tornado and plopped down in Munchkinville, my “tornado” in the fight to beat cancer entered my life, picked me up and plopped me down at age 39 (that makes me a 17-year cancer survivor and still fighting the battle).    

·         In my story, the yellow brick road is prayer, trust, and faithfulness. This is very important in my lengthy battle. But I have to stay strong and stay focused on winning the cancer fight. It is my belief I will win this battle either way. My life is a book written by God. He knows the beginning and the end.  All I have to do is turn the pages. As long as I stay close to the Lord and ask for His direction and trust Him, He will get me through. He is guiding me. I continue to stay positive knowing that as long as I remain on earth, I have people who love me. I also have people who love me that are waiting for me in Heaven. How can I lose? I believe the Lord is always with me

·         In this tale, the Scarecrow, the Tinman, and the Cowardly Lion have all been replaced by my Savior, the Lord Jesus. Again, He is by my side! When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was scared, as most are when they enter into this terrible forest of cancer. But without the arms of Jesus, I could not have endured, nor looked above and, definitely, beyond this disease. I thank the Lord for guiding me to my ever-faithful oncologist, Dr. Cheryl Skinner. 

·         My beloved, Dr. Skinner, I suppose would be considered Glenda in my story, always seeking knowledge and sharing hope in her bubble of oncology-hematology technology. She definitely is my wonderful, beautiful, fairy god sister. There is no way I could ever consider Dr. Skinner a witch… whether she be a good witch or a bad witch. She’s my bright and shining fairy god sister. Never a night goes by that I don’t ask the Lord to remember her and give her guidance and wisdom on how to deal with my illness and body. Can you imagine what she has had to deal with? I am not your average patient. I am a pre-menopausal cancer victim who has never been an average size female patient and at the time had no previous family cancers. Over the years, she has had her hands full with knowing which direction to take me. I realize her calculations on my weight and body mass and everything else that had to enter into the dosages of chemotherapy had to seem over-whelming at times. I thank her from the bottom of my heart for dealing with me and putting up with my battles.  She promises me she’ll see me through the forest until I reach Emerald City (the cure) or else cross over to Heaven.

·         Auntie Em, in my interpretation, is thought to be my wonderful mother, Cora Belle.  She has been my rock. Throughout my journey into the wicked forest of Cancer, she has remained steadfast, ready to let me lay my head on her shoulder, listen to my latest ordeal, or simply saying a prayer for me in my fight. My brother, Barry, has to enter here since he has become my counselor in all this. It’s not easy for him to discuss, but since the death of my dear Daddy, I am forced to lean on him. In 1992, my family knew very little about cancer. Of course, we had heard of other people battling cancer and ultimately dying, but now I was about to enter into the fight for my life. 

·         Other characters, I must identify in this tale, are those weird little flying monkeys! I suppose those would be the different cancer diagnoses I’ve had to endure during the past 17 years. This is the waiting periods, the anxiousness, and the not-knowing what the diagnosis will be this time. Oh, those flying monkeys do raise their ugly heads at the most heartbreaking times. But, so far, I have endured.  I have found that, for me, I have met with those dastardly monkeys about 7 times in my 17-year journey.

·         I have decided Breast Cancer is my Wicked Witch of the West. What can I say? Scary. Ugly. Disappointing. Heartbreaking. There is nothing good about being diagnosed with any cancer!

·         I’m a bit out of order in my list of characters, but I need to introduce the Munchkins. Those would be all my friends and family and those who don’t even know me but lift my name up to Heaven. It might just be a brief passing thought. But, the Lord is always listening. These wonderful “Munchkins” are my angels here on earth that encourage me and make me want to fight! I absolutely refuse to give up. These people are counting on me just as much as I am counting on them. I want to encourage them and you; too, that cancer doesn’t mean its time to give up. I want to live my life as long as I can in the most positive way I can do it. Yes, I get down in the dumps! But you won’t find me there for long. Some people might say I’m nosey. I’m afraid of what I might miss. I want to know what’s going on!!!! Yes, I have pain and days I don’t want to get out of bed. But, so far there’s always been a reason to get up and get moving. I don’t want to waste away in the bed. Especially, this spring.  Hasn’t it been beautiful, and I want to enjoy it!

So let me tell you about My Journey through the Cancer Forest.

In July 1992, I found a lump in my right breast. I had never had a mammogram before. At that time, mammograms weren’t recommended until age 40. This is where the tornado began and I battled the first set of flying monkeys.

I met with my gynecologist whom immediately sent me for a diagnostic mammogram. Very soon after that I was seen by a surgeon whom arranged to perform a right modified mastectomy. Great results. No lymph node involvement. My surgeon then guided me to Dr. Skinner. The tumor size and being premenopausal threw me into Stage 3 Breast Cancer with an elevated risk for recurrence. Upon healing from surgery, I began eight months of six chemotherapy treatments. Thank God He saw me through these treatments with little discomfort and very positive results. At the end of these treatments I was cancer free. Thank God!  Now, I began taking a relatively new oral drug at the time, Tamoxifen. I continued taking Tamoxifen for two years when suddenly another problem occurred. Here come the flying monkeys again!

In 1994, I had a total hysterectomy. I was diagnosed with cancer in my uterus (most likely a recurrence of spreading breast cancer) or it could have, possibly, been a side effect of Tamoxifen. THIS WAS CANCER DIAGNOSIS NUMBER 2. No certainty on this diagnosis and no medical follow up was necessary, other than continuing with the Tamoxifen to ward off further breast cancers. Once again, I appeared to be in remission and I felt great! Cancer was gone again!

I kept my faith. I continued with a positive attitude and believed that life was full and no regrets. I periodically kept in touch with Dr. Skinner and continued having regular mammograms. Oh, yes, I had difficulties in my life. I spent 24-years working for the Dept of Energy in Miamisburg. I remember in 1979, when I got the job at Mound, my Dad turned to me one day and said, “Jamie, you shouldn’t have anymore worries for the rest of your life.” The Mound was a nuclear weapons site and was responsible for producing nuclear weapon detonators, as well as the nuclear heat source devices for NASA’s space shuttles. Along with our nation’s nuclear arms rest, and the Cold War over, there was little need for nuclear weaponry. Therefore, the threat of plant closure loomed over my head for about 10 years. 

Then in 1999, Daddy died. I’m really in the dark forest now. Daddy dying was a terrible time in my life, but with the Lord at my side, I once again, prevailed.

In 2002, I just knew those flying monkeys were watching. They were about to show their “mugs” once again, when Dr. Skinner had asked me to get a mammogram before coming in for a routine check up. I went for the mammogram and while there, I asked the technician how one would know if they had a lump on the side of their body that a breast had previously been removed? There is no breast tissue to scan, so how would one know? Her advice was to consult my doctor, which I did. I’ll never forget that day. I showed Dr. Skinner a lump on the same side that my breast had been removed. She moved so fast my head spun. She had her staff make me an appointment with my surgeon who, in turn, removed another tumor which had developed in the scar tissue. THIS IS THE THIRD CANCER. I hate those flying monkeys! Radiation resulted. 38 radiation treatments followed. Now, hopefully, I’m cancer free, again.

In 2003, it finally came. I lost my job, but never my faith. I took a year or so off from working and then in 2005, I decided lazing around was not for me. Although I was able to retire with a small pension back in 2003, I decided I wanted to go back to work. I was able to secure an administrative assistant’s position at a small plastics factory. This was the right job for me. I loved my work. I felt the Lord helped me find this position and life would be wonderful once again.

In 2007, I began to noticeably slow down. I was tired a lot. I hoped it was a fact of aging or possibly being so over-weight. I was short of breath and I probably needed to check in with my fairy god sister, Dr. Skinner. A barrage of tests occurred from that doctor’s visit. Once again, I almost had forgotten, but how can you forget those dastardly flying monkeys looming around every scan or medical test? I even ended up in a pulmonary doctor’s office, where the next planned step would be a bronchoscopy. With the results in hand, Dr. Skinner, once again diagnosed me with cancer in my lungs. THIS IS CANCER NUMBER 4. 

CANCER DIAGNOSES NUMBER 5, 6 AND 7 soon followed. Late last year it was determined that breast cancer had now spread to my bones (NUMBER 5). Some in my shoulder and some in my hips. Just this year, the monkeys continue to fly and in January, once again, I was diagnosed with cancer in my remaining breast. This diagnosis was followed with surgery to remove my last remaining breast with another modified radical mastectomy. This diagnosis is CANCER NUMBER 6. Those flying monkeys seem all around me, now. I must stay strong and continue having faith! I have most recently learned that I am also dealing with cancer in my liver (CANCER NUMBER 7). 

As you must realize, I’m not through the forest yet, by far. So why do I remain positive? Just as I said previously….why not? I have complete trust in my doctor. I think I have the best doctor to advise me. I believe in Dr. Skinner. I believe she is the best doctor for me. I love her staff! They continue to encourage me and give me many reasons to never give up. Also, I can’t give up because I have many friends and family who encourage me everyday of my life. These are the people that have made me a fighter! I am not going to give up until it’s my last breath. I love my Lord and I have faith, which so far, has meant endurance. God has promised to take care of me. 

And finally… God willing, I’ll have nothing more to add, but I’ll seeing you here next year.

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