Robyn's Stage 2 Surgery:   3/25/10

Please offer good thoughts, prayers
and ohms for my friends...

John Ross
Jane and John
Karen
 

Cousin Suzie 2/16/10
Cousin Jamie 2/12/10
Patrice
Jill
 

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My favorite resource:
www.breastcancer.org

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www.breastcenter.com

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2/21/10

We made it through another one.   Cousin Suzie left us less than 12 hours after we buried Jamie.   She simply slipped away about 1:30 AM on February 16th with her sister and Cousin Vicky at her side.    Her funeral was Friday, February 19th.    We buried her in the same cemetery as her mother and father, my father, and next to her brother. 

At least this time I harbored no such silly notions that I was ready for a world without Cousin Suzie.    Sue was my hero as I was growing up.    She was 12 years older than me and as a baby, I was her plaything, and when I got older, I became her friend.    She worked for the Air Force, in the F-117 Stealth Fighter Program Office as a secretary.   She was the first female Stealth Pioneer.   She loved that team of people.    They clearly loved her back, as they showed up to pay their final respects.   One even flew in from the Northeast just to tell her goodbye.   That meant more than they'll ever know.  

Sue was our entertainment committee.   You never knew what she might do or say!  I have absolutely no explanation to what she was doing with the plate on her head.    But that was Sue.    She would do anything to get a laugh.   We had a big party a couple of years ago, where these pictures were taken.    We ate and laughed and sang.    Sue and Kelsey (her granddaughter who she loved more than anything else in the world) sang a duet.   Cousin J came to the party as well, and she looked so great.    (I had to add this picture of Jamie because I think she might come to haunt me for posting the one of us!    My Cousin Anne commented, though, that Jamie looked a lot better than I did!   True statement.)  

So we gathered to say goodbye to her and to share our grief.    Sue's step brother Allen officiated and sang "Go Rest High On That Mountain."   Her nephew Steve read the obituary.   I did my best to deliver the eulogy.   It went a lot smoother in practice than in the funeral home.   We cried.   A lot.   We laughed too.   We looked at pictures and told stories.   We passed around bottled margaritas at the grave side.   She had two amazing flower arrangements..... one a spray that had a pair of gold shoes in it and one that had feathers, pearls and glitter.    I have never before gotten dressed to go to a funeral where I wondered if I had enough jewelry and glitter on.    (I did wear my sparkly copper sweater, dangling earrings and glitter eye shadow.)    Sue's favorite color was "sparkle."  

I have added another page that has the eulogy I wrote for Sue.

Namaste

2/15/10

It was a rough day.   My dear sweet Cousin Jamie moved on to a place without pain or cancer or chemo treatments on Friday, 2/12/10.    Today, in the midst of the snowstorm, was her funeral.   I thought I was ready.   I thought I wouldn't cry, because I know that she had been having a really bad time for the last several months.   I thought knowing that "it was for the best" was enough to keep me strong.    I was wrong.  

Jamie was only 39 when she was first diagnosed.    She loved her family and friends with a fierceness that was unstoppable.    She fought her cancer with strength, courage, dignity and humor.   Her eyes twinkled with a little mischievous glint.    She was a Daddy's girl growing up, and shy and often hid behind her mother's apron.    It was always a treat to go to visit.... Aunt Corabelle is an amazing southern cook!    Our family gatherings will never be the same without Jamie.    She always cried when we would come to the end of one of our big outings... we took family trips to the Smokies and to Branson over the years.    Jamie loved us all so strongly that it would hurt her when we all had to go home.     

When I was first diagnosed, Jamie sent me an email saying "that is the worst news I could hear".    She worried more about me than about herself.    She met me for lunch one day last January, and we went to a "Look Good Feel Better" class together.    We talked a lot, and she encouraged me to stay positive.    She was an amazing source of inspiration to me. 

Note:  I would like to point out that this picture was taken BEFORE we tried on any makeup or stuff!   We looked a lot better when we left!    It was the first time I'd taken off my wig that anyone could see.   Jamie didn't lose her hair with the type of chemo she was on, but it made it very coarse and hard to manage.  

In a post below, in June 2009 I wrote briefly about Jamie's journey and a speech she gave at a Relay for Life event.    You can read her Wizard of Oz-based speech about her journey through the dark forest of cancer and the yellow brick road of faith on my Cousin Mona's site here.

On another sad note, Cousin Suzie is facing her last days as well.    She has been in Hospice for the past two weeks.   She is getting weaker by the day, but is not in pain and rarely rouses.  Again, we'll try to take comfort in that.   

Not much about me.   I'm fine.    I'll post more later, but I'm doing great and am now scheduled for my second surgery on March 25th.    Just about 5 weeks from now.    We went to the Valentine's Day dance at the Schuster Center on Friday, and I have a dance lesson Tuesday night.    Life does go on.

I'll close tonight with one of my favorite scriptures:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."    Revelation 21:3-4 

2/9/10

Just a quick update for those of you who have been worrying about my blood clot.   Stop.  I went to see my Primary Care doc today and she said I was a "poster child" for recovery.   She also said that blood clots in the superficial veins were not serious and mostly a nuisance.    I appreciate all the concern, but trust me, I am just fine.   She looked at my new girls and at the incisions and said it looked great.    She agreed I have a little bit of fluid, but that I could wear a "Spanx" type compression garment and that would help.    The best news is I can go back to my therapist for that wonderfully relaxing massage!!!

A wonderful dance coach, Hanna Karttunen, is at our dance studio this week!    I didn't get to the group lesson tonight, which was on arm styling, but will definitely make it to Wednesday night's class on "Cuban Motion"!    We saw Hanna and her partner, Victor Da Silva, at the dance competition in Hollywood in November.   They are incredible dancers and very, very nice people.   They remembered me from a previous visit to our studio, and stopped to chat in the hotel.   I can't wait to take her class!    Later on Wednesday, we'll probably head to Therapy Cafe for swing dance night.    Another dance lesson on Thursday, and a Valentine's dance with the handsome hubby on Friday.   If all goes as planned, sounds like a great time.    

Not all is well, of course.   My dear cousins, Suzie and Jamie, are both struggling at this time.    Also my friend Jane, another breast cancer survivor is having some tests to check her heart function.    Your thoughts and prayers for their comfort are appreciated.  

2/7/10

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!    GEAUX SAINTS!!!

Yes, even though Indianapolis is much closer to home, I have a soft spot in my heart for the team from NOLA.    Way to go, Saints!!!!!

It's been a busy and not entirely pleasant week.    I went back to my physical therapist as I was having some problems with fluid in my abdomen, hip and thigh and some pain in my left leg.    She measured and my left leg was definitely larger than my right (and my right arm is larger than my left!).   She also found a hard spot near the spot where the drain tube was and decided that we needed to know exactly what it was.   So she called my favorite breast surgeon and made an appointment for me on Friday morning.    I went to that appointment and Dr. W did an ultrasound and determined that while there is fluid, there is not a sac and the fluid is pretty free.   So I didn't have to get stuck with the afore-mentioned "big ass needle" and she sent me back to my therapist.     I saw Cindy later that afternoon and she did some lymphatic massage (which is wonderful, btw) and she found a spot on the inside of my left calf that was red, sore to the touch and warm.    This time Cindy and I get on the phone to my doctor's office in NOLA and together they decide that spot needs to have an ultrasound as well and that I should proceed directly to the hospital.    The doctor in NOLA called ahead to the local emergency room and when I arrived they said "oh yes, we've been expecting you"!    It was kinda fun to have a "reservation" at an emergency room!    They got my leg checked and determined I had phlebitis - inflammation of the superficial vein due to a blood clot.    They sent me home with a prescription for Motrin and instructions to put heat on it 4-5 times a day.    Not serious, and not terribly painful, but a bit inconvenient.

I have talked to the Center for Restorative Breast Surgery in New Orleans about when to come back for the 2nd stage of my reconstruction.    Right now we think it will either be the 24th or 25th of March.   I had hoped to go in early April around Easter, but timing with some other things just didn't work out.    I should only be off work for about 2 weeks with this next stage.   They will do some contouring and "tweaking" to make them match a little better, and also build npples.

Our family is going through some rough times right now...... we recently lost my young cousin Adam.    My dearest Cousin J (Adam's aunt) is having a lot of problems from the spreading of her cancer, now into her liver.    She's in a great deal of pain and was just admitted again to the hospital.    Cousin Suzie, my hero since I was a little girl, is in Hospice of Dayton.   Our family is gathering and expect that she will pass on in the next day or two.    All in all, it's hard to think, as I always have, that things happen for a reason.   Or that God won't give you more than you can handle.    I don't have any answers.  

Tonight's lyrics are from Dolly's song "Light of a Clear Blue Morning".    She wrote this song during a difficult time in her life.  

Its been a long dark night
And I've been waiting for the morning
Its been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day a dawning
I've been looking for the sunshine
Cause I ain't seen it in so long
But everything's gonna work out just fine
Everything's gonna be all right
That's been all wrong

Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day
I can see the light of a clear blue morning
And everything's gonna be all right
Its gonna be okay

Namaste.
 

1/18/09

Well, happy to report that I am now drain free!    Since the last drain stopped holding suction, the nurse in NOLA told me to go ahead and pull it.    It's hard to imagine how great it feels not to have tubes sticking out of me!    For any of you readers who might ever have a surgical drain that you need to remove.... here's a tip.   Once it's out, you need to put some betadine on it to make sure it doesn't get infected.   That's not the tip.   The tip is this.... DO NOT use a 12x magnifying mirror to see the wound... it looks REALLY ugly!!

I went shopping today for my first new bra!    I went to one of our more upscale stores, where I'd actually bought my last new bra.   Hmmm, let's see that would have been in about September 2008!   (I'm not counting the mastectomy bras... not TOO many to choose from there!).   So I approached a nice looking lady and asked if she could measure me for a bra.   Yes, she replied.   Then I asked her "do you have a sense of humor"?   With a smile, she said "yes" so off we went to the dressing room.   I warned her before I took off my sweater that I was only 6 1/2 weeks post surgery and still (at that time) had a drain hanging out of my side.   She smiled and said she could cope with that.   So, she measured and returned with 4 bras for me to try.    I found one with no underwire that was a 38C.    Prior to my mastectomy I wore a 36DD!    I'm hoping that I've still got some swelling and I'll get down to a 36C.   Wow.... Let's hope my pant size drops as much!

It's really back to work tomorrow.   No more working from my desk in the sunroom with a cat stretched out across my desk.   I actually have to GO to my office.   That means getting up even earlier.    So it's off to bed for me.

Saw this quote on a sign in the Gifts department when I was bra shopping.   Then I had a great dinner with BFF Beck tonight.    Those things together make this the perfect close for tonight's post.

Friends are angels who lift us to our FEET when our spirits forget how to FLY
Namaste

1/17/10

Our thoughts and prayers go out today to the family of Patrice, who fought valiantly against pancreatic cancer.   She will be missed by many.

I am now down to one drain, though I'm having a little trouble with it.    I talked to the nurse at my Dr's office in NOLA last Thursday and told her that the lower drain was so incredibly painful, that I was shouting curses every time I moved.    It was getting a bit bothersome for Jeff!   It was still draining a bit more than they wanted it to before it should be removed.   I think they may have decided to tell me to go ahead and pull the drain because they sensed I was going to do it anyway!    Jeffrey carefully cut the stitch that was holding it in place and gently slid it out.     Such a relief!    And on Friday I actually put on a pair of jeans for the first time.   

The one remaining drain was doing fine until the stitch the held the tube in place pulled out and it wouldn't keep suction.     It seems a little better tonight and I'll make a call to my doctor's office tomorrow.   

And when I talk to them in New Orleans again, I'm going to ask about planning for my next trip.    I know... I know... I'm not even 7 weeks out from this very major surgery..... but I'm already thinking about what comes next.     And I'm thinking that "next" will come in early April.   We'll see.    I think spending Easter in New Orleans could be entertaining.   And I definitely want to get Stage 2 done before it gets too hot or the middle of hurricane season.

I have also reached out to a local support group that was recommended by my oncologist.   I have asked about joining, but to do so, you have to go to a weekend retreat, which is only held twice a year, and then to commit to meeting once a week for the following 10 weeks.    They support a whole foods diet and practice Qigong.    I'm going to have a lot to learn.   However, the woman who replied to me (who also sees the same oncologist) had this saying on her email.    I had used it before, many months ago, but thought it was a nice reminder....

Faith is believing that one of two things will happen.   That there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.
Namaste.

1/13/10

Just a quick update.    I am now 6 weeks post surgery.    Surgically -- I'm doing great.    I still have the 2 drains and they are pretty uncomfortable.    I wear my surgical bra, one of Jeff's old undershirts (a "wifebeater" as my friend Carol calls them!) with a hole cut to allow the drain tube to come through, then a surgical binder wrapped around my middle..... all the time.    I only take them off to shower (not sleep!).     I'm starting to lose my patience.    Of course, I'm probably losing my patience because I have a cold and my nose is running and I'm just getting grumpy.    As soon as the cold is gone, I will be in a MUCH better mood.

I started back to work today as well, though I did it from my sunroom office next to the cat trees!    It was a LONG day.    I took a 1/2 hour nap at lunch and was back on the couch at 5:30!    And now, I'm heading for bed.

I ask for your good thoughts and prayers for all on our list, but specifically for my cousin Adam's family, for Cousin J and for Patrice.   

Namaste

1/2/10

Happy New Year!!!    Can you believe it?    2010 already?    Remember where we were a year ago?    I was smack in the middle of chemo, with no hair!   What a difference a year makes.

It has been a busy couple of weeks - mostly good, some bad.    A few months ago I wrote that Jeff and I had gone to my cousin Adam's wedding.   It was a GREAT time and we had so much fun.  Adam had learned to make his own wine and had made all the wine served at the reception.    We got the news that left us all speechless on the day before Christmas Eve.    Adam had died, a victim of sleep apnea.   He was not yet 30 years old.   His funeral was the day after Christmas and we miss him terribly.   There are no words to relieve the grief and pain felt by all, but especially his parents and grandmothers, his wife, sister and his aunt, my dear Cousin J.     Our prayers for peace and comfort for all of them.

I am 4 weeks and 3 days post surgery!    I talk to the nurse in the Dr. office in NOLA every week just to let them know how everything is going.   On Wednesday afternoon she called and we talked about my drains and she told me we could take out one of the lower drains.    Mom asked if I'd go see my breast surgeon (Dr. Weighall) to have her remove it.    Nope.    The docs in NOLA seem to think this is pretty easily done ourselves.... besides, it's the day before NYE and I don't stand a chance of getting a dr appt before next week.   And this thing has got to GO!    So, armed with a pair of suture scissors and tweezers they gave us in NOLA, Jeff snipped the stitch holding the tube in place and slipped it right out.    So I'm down to TWO drains.... one upper, one lower.     Given my history with fluid retention, Cousin Vicki suggested I go ahead and name them!   

There's lots of funny stuff that goes along with having drains.     First off, one of my friends who had her Stage 2 surgery in NOLA at the same time I had Stage 1 had one drain that just hung on and on..... she named it "PITA" (Pain In The A**).    While I was trying to figure out the best way to carry around 3 drain bulbs (I called them grenades - that's what they looked like and I'm pretty sure that if I threw one at someone it would really freak them out), I had them in a fanny pack.    So I thought that, maybe, I could tuck it down in my yoga pants and it wouldn't show.    Let me just say that I was way wrong about that..... it definitely showed.    As a matter of fact it appeared that I was in the middle of a s e x change operation - now having new boobs AND a bulge in my yoga pants!    So, we crossed that off the list of options and if my fanny pack happens to show, well, so be it.

Jeff and I went dancing for New Years Eve!    I went through about 4 different outfits before I found something that would hide all the stuff I need hidden.    I finally settled on a bronze sweater with big dolman sleeves and black stretchy pants.    One drain we pinned to my bra in my armpit, where the sleeve hid it pretty well.    The lower drain bulb just got tucked into the waistband of my slacks.    Well, that worked really well until we got to the "Cupid Shuffle" line dance!    On about the third round of "to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right, to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left, now kick......" I felt the drain grenade bouncing inside my pants against my knee!    No damage done, though I had a brief vision of the bulb coming off the tube and falling out the bottom of my pant leg, only to be kicked across the dance floor.    Anyway, it was a good time with good friends.   We slipped out about 11:30 so we could be home in front of the fire to watch the ball drop at midnight.    It was a really great evening and I'm so grateful to have him to share it with.  

We had two New Years Day parties to go to.   We started by joining Michelle and Stuart for a while at their annual open house.    Then we made it down to Jeff's sister's place almost in time for the Ohio State v Oregon kickoff.    Thanks to the wonder of DVR's we got to see the kickoff about 15 minutes after it actually happened!   We are very lucky to have family so close by.   

I'll close today with lyrics from a completely obscure song by Kenny Rogers, found on his "Back To The Well" CD.    Also on that CD is a duet with Dolly Parton called "Undercover", which contains a line that goes:   "Undercover I would 'druther' be with you than anywhere....."   You have to work a little bit to make "cover" rhyme with "rather" but it's still a cute song.   There's another song on that CD called "Harder Cards" that I've always liked.   No matter how tough things may get in our lives, there's always someone who would love to change places with us.   

Don't you sit and judge me from some high and mighty seat
Don't you shrug it off until you've walked a mile in my bare feet
There are people that you pass by every day
With harder cards than yours in life to play

Namaste
 

12/14/09

My strength is returning and I'm feeling really good.    Jeff and I had a great lunch with Mom and Ashley today at CityViews.    For my local friends, this is a great restaurant!   It has only recently opened in Beavercreek in, surprisingly enough, an old Subway location on Indian Ripple.    They have good food, and are locally owned.   Mom and Jeff both had the Philly and both pronounced it very tasty.     After lunch, we dropped Jeff off at home and Mom and I did a little bit of shopping and then took some new flowers out to the cemetery to Daddy's stone.     Jeff and I then had dinner with his sister, brother-in-law and their son at yet another wonderful locally owned restaurant - Mamma DiSalvos.    Mmmmm..... best fettuccine alfredo in town!    I even splurged and had a glass of Lambrusco!   (Mamma's is about the only restaurant in town that serves it!).  Clearly there's nothing wrong with my appetite!  

While we were in New Orleans, we took a walk one day down to the Roosevelt Hotel.   They had a $145 million renovation after Katrina.  It's been standing in the same location for over 100 years.    The hotel lobby was all decked out!    Here's a picture I snapped with my iPhone.       

It seems like ages since we were in New Orleans.    I can't believe it's been less than 2 weeks since my surgery.    The incisions are healing quickly and the DermaBond (aka SuperGlue!) is starting to peel off.    The drains are definitely draining, so those aren't going away any time soon.    I still have a couple of tiny titanium wires in my chest that they used in the hospital to make sure there was good blood flow to the new "girls".    Instructions were to "tug on them" and if they didn't come out, then clip them very close to the skin and they'll be fine!   The bruises down my backside (who knows how they got there!) have mostly faded.    But the "girls" are looking better every day.... trust me... they started out pretty scary looking!    My main issues now are nerve pain in my right leg, and some weird little bumps on my arms and legs.    The nerve pain is better... not gone by any means, but better.    The sudden, sharp, burning pains that made me say bad words seem to be gone.   Now is more of a constant, dull ache and is tender to the touch.    Doc said "yeah, happens.    It'll go away, but probably not as fast as you want".    Well, he's certainly right on part of that.   I'd like it gone NOW!    The little bumps seem to be some allergic reaction, but I don't know to what!   My antibiotics, maybe?    Oh well.... nothing awful, all manageable.  

For those of you who knew I recently had a CT scan on my back (lower back pain) followed by an MRI.    The results are all clear.    There may be some arthritis or something in my lower back, but it's not cancer.   Life is good.   

Namaste

12/11/09

We made it home on Wednesday evening and are very glad to be home!   We're having a hard time adjusting to this cold weather - leaving 68 degrees in New Orleans!    The cats all seemed pretty happy to have us home.    I can usually look around and see at least 3 of them nearby, if not all 4.   Right now there are 3 on the couch and one on the floor in front of the fireplace.   

Our trip home had some amusing moments.    Getting ready was the first challenge.    The nurse gave me a pair of thigh high "anti-embolism" hose to wear to compress my legs during the flight and avoid blood clots.    Then I have a binder around my waist to keep my middle section compressed and pumping out the stuff that's going into the drains.   Oh yes, and then there's my right arm that has to have the glove and arm sleeve (because I just could not wrap it up with the multi-layers of wraps I came down in)!!!   Well, I think I didn't put the hose on right, because they were really biting my legs.    They were thigh high and then some and I really didn't know what to do with the "and then some"!   So I folded it down over my leg.    Well, when we landed in Atlanta, that clearly wasn't working and I steered Jeffrey into one of the "family/companion" restrooms.   We took care of my drains (trust me, no one wants to see someone in the ladies room dumping these things!), rearranged the hose and went to find some food.    No go.    As we passed by the special restroom again, we slipped in and took off the hose.    MUCH more comfortable!   And no blood clots.  

Otherwise, travel was very uneventful.    Jeff's Dad picked us up at the airport and brought us home.   My mom had made a big pot of chili and left it for us.   I am fine but tired.    I'm trying to stay off the Vicodin during the day, because it makes me so sleepy!    I've slept a good part of the last couple of days.    My big adventure is walking to the mailbox.   Jeff makes our meals and takes care of everything.    The scars are still pretty scary looking, but will get better soon.   

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers, and ask that you include Patrice, Cousin J, Cousin Suzie and others fighting similar battles.    You have made my journey much easier.   

Namaste.

12/8/09

Well, yesterday was a very good day.   We walked a LOT (OK, I know that's not very specific!) and it took us a while, but we did it, which was the important part.    We rode the streetcar down Canal Street and walked down Decatur to Cafe du Monde.     You know, I have tried fried dough in many different cultures..... funnel cakes at the county fair, crepes in Paris, something in Spain that I can't remember the name (churros?), and of course beignets in New Orleans.    Haven't found one I don't like yet!    They lose a lot when you warm the leftovers in the microwave.... they're still tasty, but kinda doughy!   

I had my follow up visit with Dr. D this afternoon.    He says everything is perfect.     I got rid of one drain, but I still have three of them.    Those are a real pain in the neck.   And REALLY ugly!    Oh well.    3 is better than 4 and we have to track the daily output and will be able to pull the remaining top drain in a week or so.   No telling how long the two lower drains might last!

We couldn't decide what to do for dinner tonight.    So there's a beautiful old hotel across the street from the Homewood Suites call Le Pavillon.   So we went over there and had a great dinner in "The Crystal Room".   We were the only ones there!    It was beautiful and decorated for Christmas and we had a table right in front of the fireplace.    They had really high ceilings and old portraits of people we didn't know.    We enjoyed it.    I hope they have more business other nights, because I'd really hate to see them try to convert it into a sports bar!

We have to get up early in the morning and head home.    I can't wait to get home to our cats and our bed and our home.    More updates when we get back to Ohio!

12/7/09

We made it safely to the Homewood Suites yesterday and are just hanging out this morning.    We went downstairs for breakfast with me in a zip up sweatshirt and baggy pants.    VERY attractive!     Oh well.    Jeff doesn't seem to have any problem being seen with me.    He's been amazing.    He takes care of my drains and washes out my bras, makes sure my meds are nearby.....  there's no way I could have done without him.    

We're going to try and take a walk this afternoon.    I'll let you know how that goes!   

12/6/09

It's Sunday morning in NOLA, Jeff is in the shower and I'm playing on Facebook and writing on this website as we wait for Dr. Trahan to make rounds and discharge me!   Jeff and I will go back to the Homewood Suites until we head home on Wednesday.    Mom and Michelle left today to go home... I think Mom was having a little trouble leaving her "baby" (age has no relevance to a mother!) in the hospital, but trust me this hospital (St. Charles Surgical Center) is like no other.    Last night and today I am the only patient in their 17 rooms!   The nurses and staff have been INCREDIBLE!   They are so knowledgeable, and helpful and caring... you just can't ask for any better care.   I am so thankful that I was led to this wonderful place. 

I still have a tendency to feel my chest to make sure the girls are still there.    I've named them "High" and "Mighty".    The staff seems to find that amusing.... well, I guess I do too!  I only had a few days in the first couple of weeks after my mastectomy where I really felt awful about not having breasts.   But even after the shock had worn off, I would still wear a little t-shirt or camisole when I'd run around the house or go to bed.... I couldn't quite get used to the flat chested look!   Until I got them back, I don't think I quite knew how much they meant.    Funny, huh?    The old cliché is right - you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone!   Don't misunderstand - these still are not ready for a centerfold photoshoot - lots of open incisions, sutures, pads, etc. - but it just feels right.    It certainly isn't necessarily right for everyone and there is no ONE right answer.   This answer is right for me.

Speaking of other decisions, my dear Aunt Irene called me last night.   I think she was the first relative I knew that had breast cancer and a mastectomy.   I've lost track now of how long ago it was, but at least 20 years.   Her decision was no reconstruction and that decision was right for her.    She was a little more direct when we talked saying "Honey, I wouldn't know what to do with t*tt**s anymore!"     I've always loved Aunt Irene for her directness!    She also mentioned that she is having a biopsy on a spot they found on her lung on Monday.    Since it has been so long since her breast cancer, we are very hopeful that this will turn out to be nothing.    If you would hold a good thought or offer a quick prayer for her, it would be greatly appreciated.  

My friend Beverly (who had her Stage II surgery earlier this week) has this scripture on her signature line that is one of my favorites.    I'll close with it, instead of a "Dolly-ism" today:

Psalm 91: 14-16

12/4/09

What a difference a year makes!    It was one year ago today that I had my first chemo treatment.    And this evening I'm sitting up in my hospital bed at St. Charles Surgical Hospital in New Orleans, with a new set of boobs!   

Today was pretty uneventful,    I did get my first shower.    Now THAT was an adventure!    Erin, my nurse, was at least as wet as I was!    But I certainly do feel better after a shower.    Then I snuggled down in my bed under my pink ribbon blanket to watch the first Harry Potter movie.   I'm not sure if I'm going back to the Homewood Suites  tomorrow or Sunday, but I'm sure either will be ok.    I think I'd like to stay here one more night and maybe get my drains to slow down a little.  

No real news, so I'll catch you all tomorrow.

Namaste

12/3/09

We did it!  I am now about 24 hours post-surgery and have been up in the chair, walked around the floor, had a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch and a Cajun flank steak for dinner and all things considering am doing GREAT!   I have 4 drains that require significant attention - one in each breast and one on each side of the lower incision.  

I did a great deal of research before I chose this surgery and this hospital, and now that I'm here I know for a fact this was the right decision.    If Oprah asked me "what do you know for sure", what I know is that you need great support systems (all of YOU!), a sense of humor and that you have to trust your gut.   The hospital is more like a hotel.   You order your meals from "Room Service" and they all have Murphy beds so your primary caregiver can stay with you.   Jeff has been amazing through this ordeal walking me around the floor, helping me in and out of bed, fetching water after water after water, cleaning me up as needed.   I could not have done this without him.   

I still can't get over my breasts!    They gave me a very nice stretchy black bra to wear - it is so much prettier than a plain white one!    Sometimes I just sit and cup them in my hands!    Going in to surgery, Dr. D indicated that I really didn't have a lot of belly fat (sure coulda fooled me!) and that he would give me everything he could.    Well, once in surgery he was able to get more from my upper abdomen than he expected and while my right side is bigger than the left, they are both quite acceptable!    Dr. D will do some fine tuning and contouring when I come back for my Phase 2 stage and will be able to even out the sizes.   At that point he will also create nipples.  

We sent Mom and sis away this afternoon.    They rode the trolley, had lunch at the Crescent City Brewhouse  and had cafe au lait and beignets at Cafe du Monde!   The weather here today was fairly pleasant, but it's looking like colder temps and rain coming up.    So at least they got to see some of the city while they were here. 

Well, tomorrow is a big day!    I get to shower!    I think I get to shower with at least one other person if not two!   I suggested that Jeff go with me, as it certainly wouldn't have been the first time we shared a shower!   Did you know we celebrated 18 years of marriage recently?    Yep, we did.     There were times we didn't expect it but we are both glad we got it back together.   Oh, and my friend Beverly is coming to visit tomorrow.    She has an appt here at the Center before she heads home and said she'd stop by and visit.        

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers.    I am progressing very, very well and I believe it is in large part to your support.   

Namaste.

12/1/09

Mom and Sis arrived safely and we're hanging out in the hotel room in NOLA.    Jeff and I spent a good part of the day at the hospital, doing paperwork and I had a CT scan.   Then we had a break for lunch and found a GREAT restaurant only a couple blocks from the hospital.    Good thing it was close since it was pouring down rain!    So we had a very long, leisurely lunch, then went back to the "The Center" and waited for our 4:00 appointment with Dr. D.    Well, 4:00 came and went and we finally saw the doc about 5:00.   We talked about the surgery for a few minutes, then went to an examining room where he could mark me up with blue magic marker.    I have some marks on my upper chest that peeked out over the shirt I was wearing.... Jeffrey said it looked like "Wilson" -- the face that Tom Hanks drew on the volleyball in the movie "Castaway".     He's a funny guy...   Oh yes.... and we took more naked pictures.   That was fun too.   

Well, surgery has been moved to noon CST (1:00 EST) on Wednesday, so please adjust your good thoughts/oms/prayers/etc. accordingly!   The car will pick us up at 10:45 for the 1 mile drive to the hospital.   They will get me ready and put me in my room... oh yes, I get my room before surgery, and Mom, Sis and hubby can hang out there and watch the big "man TV" (as one of the staff referred to it!) while I'm getting all my fat realigned.    They will get a pager that will get texts from the staff in the surgical suite every hour.    The surgery should last about 6 hours, maybe a little longer, then about 2 hours in recovery.    It will be a really long day for them, so please keep them in your thoughts as well.    I however, will sleep through it all and it will seem like just a minute ago I was kissing them goodbye!    Never again will I turn to Jeff and say "where did I leave my boobs?"    

My friends Jane and John have had some health issues since they moved to CA from Ohio.     And Patrice is also facing a spreading of her cancer.    Please keep all of them in your prayers, as you have done for me.    You have given me such strength and courage, and I hope you will be able to do that for the others on our list as well.   As a friend told me recently, "If God brought you to it, he'll take you through it".    I'll talk to you all on Thursday.   

When asked about her famous boobage (that's a word my Glitter Sis DB coined!), Dolly said "People always ask me if they're mine. Yes, they are...all bought and paid for.".   I think I'll put that on a t-shirt!

Namaste.  

11/30/09

Well, here we are.   Jeff and I arrived in New Orleans today, and the countdown clock is coming to an end.    I can't believe it's really here!    I'm nervous and excited and thrilled all at once.   Jeff and I had a great day in N'Awlins... we had lunch at a very nice Italian restaurant, walked around the French Quarter, took a nap and then had a great dinner with new friends Beverly and Richard.    We ate at one of Emeril's restaurants, and it was wonderful!    Beverly is also a breast cancer survivor and has already had the surgery that I will have on Wednesday.   She is now back for Stage 2, which will provide some "fine tuning" to the earlier "construction".    It was great to talk with her about what to expect in the next days and weeks.   It was also great to see how FABULOUS she looks!    

Tomorrow we go to "The Center" (that's what they call it.... just "The Center".... not "The Breast Center") and I'll have some admission stuff to do, a CT scan and will meet Dr. Dellacroce.    I have a bunch of questions written down to cover with him, so will know a lot more after that meeting tomorrow.    Mom and Sis arrive tomorrow afternoon and we're going to have an early dinner.    Early, because Wednesday we get picked up to go to the hospital at 5:45 AM!    Surgery is at 7:00 CST, 8:00 Eastern.    If you're offering prayers, good thoughts, oms, vibes and ju-ju, I appreciate it!!!

One of my questions for Dr. D is about the swelling I've been having in my arm and hand.    I'm hoping that somehow this surgery will help resolve some of it.    I have two wonderful physical therapists (Cindy and Judy) who have been very helpful in managing it.    I see Judy most often and she massages my arm, shoulder, chest and tummy to help stimulate the lymph glands and move the lymphatic fluid that wants to collect in my chest and arm and causes the swelling.    Then she wraps my arm in a series of different materials, starting with gauze around my fingers, with a cotton liner that goes up my arm.    Then a fuzzy layer, followed by 2 layers of elastic bandages.     When she's done I can barely move my arm and have to eat with my left hand..... I look like a very uncoordinated toddler.   It does seem to help - with the swelling anyway.    Certainly not with my typing.    When we travel Jeff wraps it up for me, as flying can make the swelling worse.   On top of that, my chest collects up to 300 cc of fluid that has to be drained with the previously mentioned "big ass needle" by my surgeon.    We had been draining it every two weeks, but have moved it to weekly for the last few weeks.    I'm hoping that this will resolve after all the drains come out after surgery.   

Will post more soon.   

"If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain"     Dolly Parton

Namaste

11/11/09

Hey everyone!    Jeff and I just got home from our long weekend in LA.    We had a great time at the Hollywood Dancesport Championship competition, which strangely enough was held in Woodland Hills, CA - NOT Hollywood!    It was pretty cool - the competition was sponsored by Mary Murphy (from "So You Think You Can Dance"), and we saw Christian Perry (from "Ballroom Bootcamp") and Nigel Lithgoe (from "So You Think You Can Dance").     Mark Ballas (from "Dancing with the Stars") was the emcee.   And the star performers were Victor Da Silva and Hanna Kartunnen, who have been to our dance studio before.    What do you think of them?   

And while we're at it, I just want to THANK my wonderful husband for going with me to these competitions and spending HOURS watching the dancing.    I had hoped to include a couple of pictures of the dancers, but my pics didn't work out.   Even so, don't you think it's amazingly sweet of him to go with me??? 

It's a busy week for us.    I had a follow up appointment with my oncologist on Monday, and Jeff and Mom went with me to that.   Then Tuesday is another appointment with my surgeon to drain my chest.    It was supposed to be my "normal" 6 month followup, but since I've seen her nearly every two weeks since my mastectomy, I feel like I've gotten really thorough follow-up care!   I've been having a lot of problems with fluid building up in my chest, and now my right arm is starting to swell.     On our trip to CA, we had to wrap my fingers, hand and arm with several layers of bandages to create compression to move the fluid out of my arm and back into my torso, so it can be reabsorbed.    Very uncomfortable, very awkward and generally a real pain in the..... neck.   Jeff has the wrapping down pat now, which helps a lot.    I'll see my physical therapist again this week and see if we've made any progress, but my real hope is that my upcoming surgery will resolve some of the fluid issues.  

Can you believe it?   Three weeks until reconstruction.    On Friday it will be one year since my official diagnosis (though we knew a couple days earlier, my surgeon called me with the news on Nov 13th last year - but she set me, Mom and DS down in her conference room on Veteran's Day and told us what to expect).    It's been an amazing year.    I am so grateful to have the support of my husband, family and friends.   I could not have done it without you all.   To "celebrate", I'm having lunch on Wednesday with Mom, sis, and nieces - one year since the biopsies and the first time we heard the word "cancer".    What a difference a year makes!

So we are planning for our trip to New Orleans, Jeff and I will go on Monday, 11/30.    Mom and DS will join us on Tuesday and surgery will start at 10:30 on Wednesday.    Jeff and I are debating on what restaurant we should go to on Monday night!!!!   Right now, we're considering one of Emeril's restaurants, but we've always really enjoyed Paul Prudhomme's place as well.    Oh, and then there's the bread pudding at "Mothers".    And the beignets and coffee at the Cafe Du Monde.     So many places, so little time!    I've also "met" a woman via an online discussion group who is having her Phase 2 surgery at the same hospital, with the same doctor on the same day that I'm having my Phase 1 surgery!    She had her first surgery a couple months ago, and this one will  do some "fine tuning" and build nipples.    She's been a great source of information and I'm grateful to her for sharing her story.    I'm really looking forward to meeting her while we're in NOLA!

So, faithful readers, do you remember the story last January about Mom losing her keys at the cemetery when she was visiting Daddy's grave?    If you don't remember, jump down and read that and then come back.... we'll wait.

Ok, so now that you've refreshed your memory, here's "the REST of the story"!    It has been 5 years since we lost Daddy.    Mom visits his grave and makes sure that there is always a nice arrangement on his stone.    I have to admit I do not get there as often as I would like.   There's a part of me that thinks it's great to go and pay respect but also the bigger part of me that knows that he isn't really there    ANYWAY - Mom took a beautiful fall arrangement out to put on the stone last Sunday.    While she was there a gentleman arrived and got out of his car.    He came up to her and they looked at each other and at the same time said "I know you"!    Then he said  "You lost your keys!".    So they chatted for a while and he said he was "better".    He still had trouble sleeping, but he was definitely doing better than when they last talked.    I remember one of those email strings that go around that had as one of the things to remember is "Time heals all wounds.   Give time time".    Sometimes nothing can heal but time.   

I want to thank all of you for your warm thoughts and prayers for me and the others on our list.   I'm thrilled to report that Cousin Suzie, who we thought was reaching the end, is doing much better!    She had been moved from the hospital to the hospice facility.    It was only a few weeks ago when I reported that she requested that Jeff and I come to the hospital to dance for her in ICU.    I went to visit her at Hospice the day before Halloween and took her a sequined headband with a feather in it, and a long (cheap!) string of pearls and told her she could be a "flapper" for Halloween.    I was planning to be a flapper for our dance party and promised I'd come by and show her my outfit.    Well, as things often do when Cousin Suzie is involved, things got a little out of hand and instead of dropping by to show her my outfit, she arranged it so that Jeff and I (and another friend from the ballroom - Preacher Bill) had the big gathering room to dance in, and an audience to dance for!    We had a lot of fun (Jeff was "James Bond" and looked fabulous in his tux!) and Suzie and the rest of the group seemed to enjoy.    As we took Suzie back to her room, the family in the room across from hers looked out and saw us in the hallway.     As I seem to have a habit of doing, I started goofing off for them and they invited me into the room.   There must have been a dozen people in that room, and they laughed and joked with me and thanked me for coming in.... saying they really needed that laugh.     Many could consider that disrespectful, but I do think that laughter can heal many hurts and I'm glad that family really stuck together and were trying to laugh through some of the most difficult days of their lives.    I offer my thoughts and prayers for all in those situations, watching their loved ones suffer... it is the hardest thing in the world to do.  

However, though, as I said, Cousin Suzie is doing better!    She has moved OUT of Hospice and to a long-term acute care facility.    I fully expect her to get well enough to go home and am so thankful that she is still with us.   I cannot imagine a world without Cousin Suzie.  

Love to all,
Namaste

10/18/09

I can't believe it's been a MONTH since my last update!   Time certainly does fly.    Lots to share!

This weekend was the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk.   Jeff and I, along with my DS and DBIL and 6500 other folks made the 5K walk in Downtown Dayton.   I was stunned when I saw the number of people crowded into the front of 5/3 stadium!   Check out the picture!    People as far as you could see!   I was equally stunned by the generosity of my friends, and my sister's friends, who donated in support of our walk.   I had hoped to raise a couple hundred dollars.    Instead, you guys have donated nearly $700!!!!   Thank you all.   

As we were walking we all wore signs on our backs, indicating why we were there.   My sign said that I walked in honor of "Me.  Jamie.   Irene.   Jane."   Jeff's simply said "My wife".    DBIL walked in memory of his mother, Janice.  I overheard a woman behind me say, "Did you see that woman's sign?  It says she's walking for her sister, her aunt and her cousin!   That's too many people in one family!"   I turned around and said to her "I agree completely.   I'm her sister."   The woman looked at me and said "we'll walk for you too."   

My friend Nancy (you'll remember her -- she's the one that sold me my fake boobs and met me in a parking lot to deliver!) walked as well, along with others from her office.   This must have been a piece of cake for her!   Next weekend she walks (bearing my name, along with 3 others) in the Avon Walk in Charlotte..... it's 21 miles the first day and 17 miles the next!!!!   Way to go, Nancy!    Thank you for your commitment and dedication.  

Jeff and I also went to a local "corn maze" this weekend!   His nephew was playing keyboards in the high school jazz band there and we wanted to listen.    It was great fun, the weather was perfect and the leaves were gorgeous.    We only made it halfway through the corn maze!   Last weekend we took a 15 mile bike ride on the nearby bike path.    It was another great chance to enjoy the beautiful weather and admire the changing leaves.   There is of course always dancing - I'm trying hard to stay active as I prepare for my surgery.    Only 6 weeks away!

Our family has been saddened for several weeks now, as one of my cousins struggles with the effects of COPD - Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease.   "My favorite cousin named Sue" has been in the hospital for weeks, much of it in ICU and has been on a ventilator twice.    It's been pretty frightening.    COPD is as ugly as cancer, I think, and for that reason I'm adding Cousin Suzie to my list for good thoughts.    When she came off the vent the 2nd time, she had several requests of people that she wanted to see.   She asked to see me, but specifically, she wanted to see me dance!    So Jeff and I headed to the ICU, donned the required protective wear of gloves, masks and gowns, and proceeded to do the waltz, mambo and cha cha.    We were happy to do what she wanted.    Hang in there, Suzie.    We love you dearly.

Jeff and I are planning a long weekend in LA in a couple weeks!    Several of my dance friends will be competing in a dance competition hosted by Mary Murphy (you know...."So You Think You Can Dance" , "hot tamale train" fame).    I'm sure they'll do great!   Then, right after Thanksgiving Jeff and I, Mom and Sis will head to New Orleans.    It's going to be a busy end of the year.  

No words of wisdom from Dolly this time - I promise to add something soon.

Love to all,
Namaste

9/18/09

Happy Birthday to my husband, Jeff!  No reason to say how old he is, but I think he looks damn good!   We're "celebrating" with a trip back to Lake Erie with his parents for a long weekend.   There's a FABULOUS restaurant within walking distance of the condo called "Zinc Brasserie"... it gets it's name from the original tin ceiling.   The food is incredible and we have a romantic table for two reserved for tonight!

When I posted Shadow's story a few days ago, I got a response from a dear friend of mine, who told me that, 20 years ago when her marriage ended, she had to lose contact with the children from her husband's previous marriage.    And then recently has reconnected with one of them and is becoming a part of their lives and their children's lives!    She is SO HAPPY and I am thrilled for her.    She said it was "the kitty cat story" that made her spill her guts... and since she hasn't shared with a lot of people, this has no names and is pretty vague.   But "dear friend", please know how happy we all are that you have your loved ones back in your life.

As I re-read my post, I realized some might have had an interpretation I did not intend.    When I said that sometimes we get confused and "wander off", it was about my own emotional journey over the last year.   As I've said before, having breast cancer isn't all bad.   I am a much healthier woman now than I was 2 years ago - physically, emotionally and spiritually.    And I am incredibly blessed to be able to share my life with so many people who love me, even those I had moved away from in the past.   Life is good.

I would also like to draw your attention to the "Links" section on the left.    Specifically, my friend Nancy, who is also my mastectomy fitter and has been a great source of information and laughter through this journey, is walking in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.   Now, this is no little walk!   TWO DAYS and 39 miles!   And you know what?    She's doing it for me.    Me and Mary Jo and Victoria and Carol, and every other woman who ever takes this trip and for everyone who supports them.   She's doing it for you too.   So, if you can, please click the link and donate $5, $10, $20, $1,000,000..... whatever you can to say thank you.   (And if you donate a $1,000,000.... Please let me know who you are, 'cause I'm pretty sure we're really, really good friends!!!!)

Love to all.

Namaste.

9/13/09

I am very sad to add a new section to our left margin today, "In Memory".   One of those for whom I had asked your prayers passed away in her sleep last Sunday night.   So today I ask your prayers for Jill's family - she left 3 sons, their families, and a brother and sister and many friends.   Her brother, my BFF Michael, recently took her on a trip to Prague where one of her sons lives.   They had a fabulous time and created memories I know Michael will hold dear forever.    She fought her battle against cancer with dignity, grace and a sense of humor (which is required if you know Michael!) and will be forever missed.  

I am now a little more than 4 weeks post radiation and I am probably 95% healed.  It's such a relief not to have to go to treatment every day.   My hair is growing, though not as fast as I would like.   Ashley (our family hair stylist!) cut and colored it for me last night!    I'll post a picture when I get used to the new color!!!    And I'm less than 3 months from recon!    I'm pretty psyched.  Life is wonderful.

Jeff and I went up to Sandusky (he and his parents, sister and her family own a bayfront condo within sight of Cedar Point) with his sister and family one weekend.   It was too cold to go out on the boat - we were wearing fleece jackets just to walk around Marblehead!    But we had a great time and it was good to see his sister, brother-in-law and nephews again.    I wasn't prepared for how much the boys had grown - and I REALLY wasn't expecting the facial hair on the 15 year old!

One of my friends added this entry to my guestbook (which, yes, I know, still doesn't work....) in response to my story a few weeks ago about courage and my cat Rufus.    She said she often shares her mantra that "It's not about being afraid, it's about being aware and moving forward. Fear is paralyzing, awareness is motivating".    I tend to agree.  

I do have one story to share.   My mother is as much of a cat lover as I am, so  I do come by it honestly.   And her two cats (Shadow and Little Bit) have been with her a long time.   Shadow is about 16 and has some "issues".   He doesn't see well, he has some arthritis and moves pretty slowly and had been walking circles and getting very confused.   She let him out one day as she went out in the backyard, and he stayed with her.   Then they went around to the front yard and he went to a particular patch of grass, where he always went to eat grass to settle his tummy, and Mom thought he was pretty normal.    Ten minutes later though, Shadow was nowhere to be found.   Then Mom heard dogs barking down the street a little ways and went to check.... there was Shadow, unharmed, laying in the middle of the street just as happy as if it had been his front porch.  

So, Mom kept a pretty close eye on him, but recognized he was getting more confused, and slower and she indicated that she thought it might be time to put him down.   Above all things we don't want our pets to be in pain.   So, one day, as Mom, Jeff and I were having lunch at Panera, the conversation turned to cats.    Mom said something about "her cat" and Jeff said... "but you have 2 cats"    And Mom simply said "I don't have Shadow anymore".    Well, if you want to turn on my waterworks there is nothing faster than telling me one of our pets is gone!   We were all on our way to an oncologist appointment, all three in separate vehicles, so I rapidly said "I'll meet you there" and headed for the car.

Nothing more was said of Shadow.    We came and went from Mom's house, petted Little Bit, and didn't comment.   Then one morning, as Jeff and I sat waiting in my surgeon's waiting room, Mom called my cell phone.    She said "I have something good to tell you.... do you want it now or do you want to call me back?"    Well, heck, I'm waiting to have them stick a big a** needle in my chest and drain fluid and I can use all the good news I can get!   "Tell me now!".    And she said "Shadow came home".    What?   Now, he's quite the kitty (he also survived being shot with a bb gun) but surviving a vet injecting lethal chemicals..... I'm not seeing it!    And she reminded me that she never said that she put him down.   She only said she didn't have him.    Shadow had wandered off 33 days before, and then one day found his way back home, slightly skinnier than before but otherwise unharmed.   As you can guess, there is no more discussion of putting him down.    Shadow will live out the rest of his 9 lives in the comfort of his home, but he doesn't get to go out unsupervised very much!  

Just in case you wonder how much we love our cats..... my fathers headstone has Shadow and Little Bit's picture engraved on the black granite!   

The moral of the story (for me, anyway, you can decide it's just the way of cats to do whatever they darn well please....) is that we don't always see how good we have it until we wander off for a little while.    We are incredibly blessed when those that love us understand that sometimes we get confused and wander off and welcome us back with loving arms.  

Check out video of two of our instructors at the dance studio.... they took 6th place in the US Open and US National Rising Star International Latin.   It was their 4th competition since moving to the US from the Ukraine!    In the dance world, that is really impressive.   http://tinyurl.com/n28nal   Also, pictures from the dance show I was working on are now posted on www.headinthecloudsphoto.com - I'm not in them, but there are a lot of great shots of the other dancers.   I'm enjoying playing around on Facebook, so if you're so inclined, find me there at www.facebook.com/breastcancerdiva   Finally, I've added some recent posts to the Guestbook on the Guestbook page.    Take a look if you have time! 

Today's Dolly song is for Jill, from the 1991 album of the same name:   Eagle When She Flies.  

A kaleidoscope of colors
You can toss her around and round
You can keep her in your vision
But you'll never keep her down
She's a lover, she's a mother
She's a friend and she's a wife
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies

Namaste
 

8/23/09

It's been almost a week since my last radiation treatment and my radiation burns are SO much better!!!   It's amazing how resilient our bodies are and how hard they work to heal themselves.   

My sister and nieces were gone to Florida this past week.   I had hoped to join them, but had some conflicts with the Angels and Demons show last weekend, and the end of radiation.   By the time it was clear that I COULD travel, the tickets were way too expensive.   Next year, girls..... I'm there!   But since I had planned to join them for a few days, I still took 3 days off work last week and Jeff and I slept late, hung out and did a little work!   It was a great week.   Monday morning is approaching far too quickly.  

One of my cousins got married this weekend.   Jeff and I took Mom to the wedding and reception and had a wonderful time.    We danced quite a bit and drank some homemade wine that the groom himself had made.   They made a very cute couple and we wish Adam and Mandy a lifetime of happiness.  

I had one dance lesson last week with Vitaliy and will get back on my regular schedule this week...   I hope to take a couple of group classes, one lesson with Vitaliy, go to the Friday night party and the Saturday morning Latin Aerobics!   Life is good.

Please remember our friends listed on the left in your prayers, and I thank you once again for all of your prayers and good thoughts on my behalf as well.   Clearly, you have wrought miracles.   Look above - reconstruction is getting closer!!!

Today's lyrics from "These Old Bones" - on Dolly's 2002 CD "Halos and Horns"

Just remember, the magic is inside you
There ain't no crystal ball

Namaste

8/17/09

We did it!    It is officially over!    I have finished radiation treatment today and am done with my cancer treatments!    What a great day.    Mom met me at the hospital for my last treatment and brought pink-iced cream cheese cookies.    They were a great hit with the other patients and the staff.    I came back upstairs (they ALWAYS put the radiation rooms in the basement!) and did the "Happy Dance" through the waiting room (which looked a lot like a Cha Cha).   The treatment team gave me a diploma!  My right chest, underarm and part of my neck and shoulder are pretty badly burned.    I'm more tired than usual.   But other than that, I made it through radiation very well.    My thanks to my entire treatment team - they were great and made it as easy as it could be.   

Jeff and I "celebrated" the end of cancer treatment with a home cooked meal and snuggling on the couch to watch a movie on pay per view.   If you haven't seen "Bolt" yet, we highly recommend it!    We were laughing out loud!   

So, I have now been cancer free for 105 days!   My surgery was May 4th, and everything they took had "clear margins", meaning that the tumors were all contained within the tissue they removed.   To me, that means that there was no cancer left after my surgery and that the radiation treatments were just precautionary to assure that there was no local recurrence.  

Here's one of my random thoughts, as I look at my certificate for "Bravery and Courage".    As most of you know, I have always been a "cat person", and currently share my home and my life with four furry friends:  Elvis, Priscilla, Rufus and Samba.    Rufus is the biggest, and can sometimes be a bully to the others, but I think (as is true with most other bullies) it comes down to his own insecurities.    He is also the biggest chicken!   He is afraid of anything that moves, and if something is out of place, he will sneak up on it to investigate, but will run at the slightest noise.    So it's funny that Rufus has decided that the security of our home is his job.   When we get ready for bed, Rufus will do a perimeter check and walk around the sunroom and check all the windows.   One night, when I had left the living room window up, I was awakened in the middle of the night by hissing and growling.    I came into the living room to find three kitties sitting on the floor, looking up at the window where Rufus was having an altercation with a raccoon on the other side of the window screen!   There was no way that raccoon was going to get through that window!   Another night, as I was getting ready for bed, I saw three streaks race into the bedroom and under the bed.    Again, when I went out to the sunroom, there was Rufus with his tail all puffed up and hissing at another cat that was outside on the walk.    So I call Rufus my "big, brave boy".    The secret to bravery, as Rufus has shown, is not that one is not afraid.    It's perfectly OK to be afraid.  Courage is all about doing it (whatever "it" might be) anyway.   (The picture on the the left is Rufus, laying on top of Elvis, both of them on top of me during one of our "couch days" while I was on chemo.   The right picture shows both of them!)

This past weekend was our big dance show, Angels and Demons.   It was fabulous!   I was so proud of all of my friends who danced.  The show was very well done and all the dancers looked wonderful.   Jeff took about 1500 photos!   He is the "official photographer" of the dance studio and he got some REALLY great pictures.   Hopefully we'll have some video clips and photos on our Facebook page soon.

I'm enjoying playing around on Facebook, so if you're so inclined, find me there at www.facebook.com/breastcancerdiva  

I don't have a Dolly song to close today with, but instead one from Miley Cyrus.   Since Dolly is Miley's godmother, I decided that was close enough!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb  

7/29/09

All is well in BC Diva-land.    I am past the halfway point of radiation, and will have completed 22 of 33 by the end of the week.    My skin is getting pretty red and tender, but I'm sure it will be fine to finish radiation.    After that, we can coast until December!

I had an interesting encounter a week or so ago that I wanted to share with you all.    I was getting my nails done and another client came in to share with my manicure-person that her mother had passed away.     She ended up sitting down and talking through my entire appointment and told the most fascinating story.    I will share part if it with you.

We'll call my new friend "Carol".  Her mother had been in a nursing home for some time and on a Thursday evening she went to visit her as usual.   When she arrived, her mother said "Carol, your Dad came to visit me last night".    Carol replied cautiously "Mom, Dad's dead.  Remember?"    "Well of course he's dead!" she replied!    "He told me that I didn't need to worry about you, that you would be OK, and that there was someone who loved you."     Carol sat with her for a while, but didn't really respond to her statement.  The next night, Carol came back to the nursing home and told her mother "Mom, I was thinking about what you said, about what Dad said to you the other night.    And he's right.   I will be fine.    I'm strong and yes, there is someone who loves me.   So if Dad comes back again, it's ok if you want to go with him."    Carol left her mother about 8:30 or 9:00 that night.   She joined her husband a few hours later.

Carol had a very long and fascinating story, of which this was only the beginning.   I don't want to share that here, but only to say that the message I took away from it was this - we are not promised tomorrow, we only have right now.    So if there's something you need to say to someone - whether it's "I love you", or "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you", do it now.    Holding on to it for "later" does no one any good at all.

Jeff and I had a great time this past weekend.    We had the girls again on Saturday, and some friends of ours came over with their daughter for a "playdate"!    We had hoped it would be warm enough to let them swim, but it wasn't.   Instead we played Wii games and then the girls put on a fashion show for us!    It was a lot of fun.    We had dinner at my sister's on Sunday (Marion's pizza!) and met the newest additions to her family - Joey and Chloe - 9 week old beagle/cocker mix puppies!    This week is "Restaurant Week", a week where a lot of our local restaurants offer a special menu for $20.09.    Jeff and I LOVE Restaurant Week.   So far we've been to Coco's and The Melting Pot.    Both were wonderful!  Life is good.

I am so very grateful to all of my readers for their thoughts and prayers.    I have done SO well throughout this journey, that I am certain those prayers have made a big difference.    As I am nearing the end of my radiation (though certainly not the end of the journey) I would like to share those good thoughts, prayers and om's with others I have met who are also facing challenges with various types of cancer.   So see the new list on the left side of the screen.   And if, if you're offering those thoughts, prayers and om's for me.... please include a couple of my new friends as well.     Not everyone is as blessed as I have been in having so many people caring for me. 

I have finally joined the world of Facebook -- if you are a Facebook user, please feel free to "friend" me there!

Find out who you are, and then do it on purpose.                 
Dolly Parton

7/16/09

It's a great day in the BC Diva world!!!    I am 1/3 of the way through radiation, and only some slight redness to show for it.    So far, so good!   We had a work outing tonight to the Dragons game and I had a great time with my co-workers and got to meet some of their spouses and kids.    And, when I left, the Dragons were winning!   Another great thing that happened today is I got my very own "real fake boobs".   Those are my prosthetics - not to be confused with my "fake real boobs" which will come in December!    A woman I met through my boss had been through breast cancer and had completed her reconstruction and so this wonderful woman loaned me her prostheses!!!   Wasn't that sweet?   She was, however, a much smaller woman than I am and they looked a little small on me.    So, I called my friend Nancy (she is a certified mastectomy fitter) and my new ones had arrived today.    I left the hospital after my radiation and met her to pick them up.   It looked like a middle-class drug deal with us in the back of a nearly deserted parking lot with our compact SUV's!!!   Anyway, they look a lot more like "me" and they feel a lot better than the foam lumps I had been wearing.    And my clothes fit a lot more like they used to!

Jeff and I have had two young girls visiting us for a couple of nights.    We've had a lot of fun with them and I think they've had fun with us.   They are with their mother tonight, but I'm hoping they'll be back for the weekend.    We played games on the Wii, made cupcakes, went swimming.... oh, and they had to go to radiation with me one day!   We also took them a couple weeks ago to a work outing to a small amusement park.   Here's a picture of Jeff and the girls on their first roller coaster ride!    They made friends with the daughter of friends of Jeff and I, and we're planning a swim outing next weekend with her.   

OK, here's a really odd thing that I've been thinking about, and I haven't come up with an answer.   So, dear readers, what do you think.....   you know, in most places the law requires exotic dancers (sometimes referred to as "strippers") to wear "pasties" when they dance so that certain parts of their breasts don't show.   You knew that, right?    Well, so I was thinking, since I no longer have breasts, or those parts of breasts.... If I decided to walk around my condo complex topless, could they arrest me for indecent exposure?    I don't think so.   Trust me, I don't really have any wild urges to do that, but you know how sometimes odd things come to your mind!

That was my bizarre thought for the day.    Here's a more serious one.    I have had a number of conversations with friends (old and new), some who are also traveling this cancer pathway.    Those that have (or have had) this disease seem to agree with me on this very odd thought - it's not all bad.     Now, it certainly isn't all good, but there are so many bright spots on this journey.    In an interview on CNN, Lance Armstrong was asked "if you had to choose between winning the Tour de France and cancer, which would you choose?"     And he replied, "I would choose the illness and choose cancer, choose the fight, choose the treatment, choose the recovery.   The message is that cancer isn't a death sentence and that we're the lucky people at lot of times.   The lessons we learn during that time are monumental."    So why do I agree with him?   Because I am emotionally a healthier woman than I was a year ago.... than I was for the last 6-7 years.    Cancer brings a focus to your life... not because you think it will kill you, but because it makes you appreciate life.    It makes you appreciate every day, and every person and every gift and thought and prayer.    Specifically for me, it has given me another chance at my marriage, and I am now more emotionally able to address the issues instead of ignoring them and hoping they would go away.    Rarely do the greatest gifts in our lives come in beautifully wrapped packages with shiny bows on top (except for those two "pink blankets" my sister handed to me 21 and 23 years ago).    More likely they are handed to us in beat up trash bags and don't look like anything we want at all.    God certainly does have ways of surprising us, doesn't he?  

Dolly Parton once said "Storms make trees take deeper roots" and "If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one".... of course she also said "It costs a lot to look this cheap".     I can relate to all of them.

Namaste.

7/9/09

Well, it hasn't been long since my last post, but I have good news to share!    You may remember from my earlier posts about my research on reconstruction and I had decided on the DIEP Flap and was debating between the  Center for Restorative Breast Surgery in New Orleans and Center for Microsurgical Breast Reconstruction in Charleston, SC.    New Orleans (NOLA) has won the battle, mostly because they can do the surgery 3-4 months after I finish radiation.    They also opened a brand new, 17 bed hospital (The St Charles Surgical Hospital) on March 31, 2009 that is dedicated to breast reconstruction for breast cancer survivors.   On November 30, 2009 I will travel  to NOLA with Jeff, probably my mother, my sister and maybe even Cousin Vicki and my BFF MK.   On December 2nd, 385 days after my diagnosis, I will have my reconstructive surgery.     Mom's pretty nervous about it, I'm pretty excited.     I might get nervous later, but right now it feels really good to put a date on the calendar.   

The funny thing is.... I had to send them copies of all my test results, pathology reports, etc. and.... naked pictures.    Now let me tell you these pictures are in no danger of being stolen and posted on the Internet!    They were awful!    Jeff was kind enough to take them for me (and they didn't show my face) and I sent them to the Center.   Well, after reviewing my pictures they said I MIGHT have enough belly fat for "C" cups, maybe a little less.     For someone who has battled weight all of their life, I figured I could have any size I wanted!    That was really odd to be told I don't have enough fat for a full C cup.    I think I can cope!

The news came at a really good time, because I wasn't having a good day at all!     I had a dr appt at 9:00 this morning to have fluid drained from the right side of my chest.     I'd had it drained before and didn't think it was a big deal, so I went to the appt alone.     My surgeon is out of the office (on a 3 week mission trip to Africa!) and I saw another dr in the practice.    She was very good, but was having difficulty getting the fluid out.     Well, apparently she got it going really well, and said "I need your help" (meaning she needed me to hold something) and I said (at least I think I said.... I know I thought it...) "I'm getting really light headed, I'm not much help".   That apparently was about 1/2 second before I started falling off the table!    Next thing I know she's yelling into the hall "I need help in here!"   I did not fall off the table, I did not gouge myself with the big ass needle she had stuck in my chest, and after about a 1/2 hour she decided to try again!    This one was more successful, though there is still some fluid in there.     It left me pretty nauseous and light headed for the rest of the day, but a nap and the good news made up for it!    If I have to do it again (kinda likely) I'm taking Jeff along with me to lean on!  

I still had radiation today, so I've had 6 treatments so far.     No real issues with the skin, but I am expecting some redness and soreness.    I heard about a lotion called "Miaderm" that gotten some really good reviews.    I may order some and see if it helps keep my skin in good shape.   I don't want anything to slow down the progress!

Jeff is going out of town this weekend to photograph a wedding.    I had intended to tag along, but radiation got in the way.    He's done quite a few photography gigs with his partner JL and they have taken some really great photos.    I have a great shot from JL, autographed and framed on my wall.    It's a pomegranate martini that just looks fabulous in the dining room.    If you're in need of a photographer, check out their website at www.headinthecloudsphoto.com.    

I have also joined Facebook!    It's kinda fun, but my real focus is to share information about my ballroom dance studio - Golden City Ballroom.   I am helping them out with some marketing and preparation for a ballroom dance show we're planning for August 15.   That's the day after I hope to finish radiation!!!!   Yippee!    I will be acting as stage director that day, making sure everyone is where they need to be.     Some folks have said that I like telling people what to do... can't imagine where they would get an idea like that!    The show is called "Angels and Demons" and will feature both amateur and professional dancers.    If you like "Dancing With The Stars" and "So You Think You Can Dance", you'll love this show!     Look for Golden City Ballroom on Facebook, or check out the website at www.goldencityballroomonline.com.   Our dancers will also be dancing at The Greene on Saturday and Sunday, 7/25 and 7/26.     If you're in the neighborhood, stop by and say hi.   

7/5/09

Hi everyone.    I hope all had a great 4th of July.     I had a great time at my cousins house, got to see some people I hadn't seen for a while.   I also decided that it was Independence Day from the wigs!!!!    I've loved wearing my wigs, because we all know my hair never looked half as good as the wigs did, but by July they are just too hot to handle.   So...   here you go!   Robyn and her ultra short do!  

I finally got started on my radiation treatments last Tuesday (6/30/09).    33 of them planned, I've had 3.   If all goes perfectly, I'll finish on August 14.   The actual treatment takes 10 minutes.    For me to leave work, drive to the hospital, get undressed, get the treatment, get dressed, drive back to work takes an hour and a half!   However, it is painless and the technicians are very nice.    I will see the doctor on Thursdays and the nurse on Mondays throughout the course of treatment.   So far, no problems.

Many of my friends and family know that last year, before I was diagnosed, my husband (Jeff) and I decided to separate after 16 years of marriage.    I moved out of our home in April.    It was an very difficult time for both of us.    We remained friends, however, continuing to go to the dance studio together, go out to lunch, etc.    After my diagnosis, he became a strong source of support to me, and always willing to listen to me as I worked through my options for surgery, treatment and reconstruction.     He stayed close throughout my chemo treatments and was there with me as I got ready for my mastectomy.    Jeff was by my side as they wheeled me toward the operating room and kissed me with tears streaming down my face.    He was there when I woke up to hold my hand.    I am incredibly blessed.   

Since my mastectomy, Jeff has moved in with me in my new condo.    It is really nice to have him here.   He's the one that has to hear my very occasional rants that "I want my life back!".     He reminds me that this is temporary and that I will be fine.   He makes me laugh and he laughs at my jokes.     He helps me wrap up my chest in bandages (the compression helps keep down the fluid buildup), and laughs at me when I complain that getting dressed makes me feel like a drag queen getting ready for a Dolly Parton impersonation.   His presence has been a great gift.

I had not written about Jeff in my previous posts - not because he wasn't supportive (because he was), but because with us being separated and yet very close, it is a difficult relationship to understand.    I didn't think either of us wanted or needed the questions.    So here is my very public thanks to my husband for standing by me, holding me up, comforting me, encouraging me, and helping me see the big picture, even when he didn't have to.    I am very grateful and I hope to have him by my side for the rest of my life.   

So my closing tonight comes from one of Dolly's most known songs, and is my wish for each of you...

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all that you ever dreamed of
I wish you joy, and I wish you happiness
But above all this, I wish you love.
I love you.    I will always love you.

Namaste.

6/15/09

Man.... I really am bad at this frequent update stuff, aren't I?   I can't believe I am six weeks out from surgery already!   The scars have faded considerably, the drains are gone and I've been back to work for three weeks.   All in all, things are going great and I feel just fine.

I finally got my radiation planning done.    It had been scheduled twice before, but I had to get rid of my drains before we could do it.    So, that's done (easy.... no problem at all) and I should hear from my radiation oncologist this week to let me know when we'll begin the radiation.   I'm also starting physical therapy next week to ward off lymphedema (swelling in the arm as a result of the removal of so many lymph nodes).   I'll tell you more about that next time.  I'm looking forward to getting fitted for some "real" fake boobs, but my favorite nurse in my surgeon's office suggested I wait for another week or so to make sure the swelling is down.   

So, you're thinking that without fake boobs, I'm hiding out, right?    Nah, you know me better than that!    I have a couple of sets of foam inserts that fit in a special camisole.    That's good enough for right now.    So I've been out dancing a bit, I'm back to my Latin Aerobics class and life is very normal.   Not much to write about me.... so I'll write about other people!

Remember my dear cousin J?   I am very proud of her and very mad at her all at the same time!   She is a 17 year breast cancer survivor (and counting!) and she recently spoke at a Relay for Life event.    I'm proud of her for sharing her story and mad because she was supposed to tell me when it was BEFORE she spoke, not after!    But that's the difference between me and Cousin J.....   I'm all about the audience and she tries to stay in the background.   So, if she won't brag about herself, I'll just have to do it for her.  

She told her story of her cancer journey and compared it to the Wizard of Oz.    I thought that was a great analogy!    When you first get that call and your doctor says "you have breast cancer", she related it to the tornado that picks you up from your safe, happy little place in life and changes everything.    Cousin J has now battled SEVEN cancer diagnoses.... she calls the diagnoses the "flying monkeys"!    Her journey through the Cancer Forest started with a breast cancer in her right breast.    A mastectomy and chemo followed.   Two years after that first tornado, the second one blew in... now in her uterus.   A hysterectomy followed.    Eight years later, another lump on the same side she's had a mastectomy!  Now that is just not fair!    More surgery plus radiation.   Two more years and she's feeling really tired and out of breath.   More monkeys -- cancer #4 is in her lungs.   Monkeys #5, 6 and 7 came about the same time..... it's moved to her bones, it showed up in her remaining breast and now is in her liver.   

Now, do you know what's odd about all of these?    They are all probably BREAST CANCER!    Did you know that you can have breast cancer that's not in your breast?    Who knew!    But it's true.    For another example of that, see my post below on 1/5/09 about another wonderful woman I met in chemo.... her breast cancer was in her stomach.    As I pointed out to Cousin J..... well, you've already shown you know how to beat breast cancer.... apparently she's going for some record....and she is a strong fighter and a huge inspiration.     J - I'm so proud of you for getting up and telling your story.     And I'm so thankful for you and the support you've given me.   

I want you all to know that I read all the postings in the guest book and I'm going to figure out how to put it up on another page on this site so everyone can read.     But, please... give me a name!    I got some really funny jokes that I THINK I know who might have posted.... but maybe not!   

I found some cute shirts and other breast cancer awareness stuff at www.savethetatas.com!    Check them out!    I think I'll get me a bumper sticker!    At another site I found a shirt that said "Cancer Picked the Wrong Diva"!    Yeah.... it's losing this war big time!   

I also owe many of you an apology.... I'm even worse at thank you notes than I am at blogging.    So, I have cards and breast cancer awareness stamps and that is next on my list.     I need to take a lesson from my BFF Becky.... I'm quite certain she keeps thank you cards in her car so she can write the card and mail it on her way home from wherever she was when someone gave her something!     But know that I really, really appreciate the thoughts, prayers, cards, flowers, food, phone calls and gifts....   I am humbled and grateful for the love and care that so many have shown.

As many of you know, I am a HUGE Dolly Parton fan!   And so I have decided to close my posts with a quote or song lyric from the great prophet, Dolly.   So, my first selection is from her latest CD "Backwoods Barbie", the song is called "Better Get To Livin'" and near the end of the song it says:

Don't sweat the small stuff, Keep your chin up
Just hang tough, and if it gets too rough
Fall on your knees and pray
And do this every day
Then you'll get to livin'

Namaste.

5/15/09

Hi everyone!    Surgery went as scheduled about 10 days ago and I am healing well.    I went back to the surgeon for a follow up visit this week to learn what they found during surgery.     They did a Sentinel Node Biopsy (SNB) on my left side during the surgery, to make sure that there was no lymph node involvement on that side.     The good news was that they removed 4 lymph nodes on the left side and none of them showed any cancer cells.    They also removed a 1.5 cm lump from the left side with cancer-free margins.   So all was good news on the left!   On the right side (which we already knew had a lot more issues) the results were not as clear cut.     They removed 33 lymph nodes on the right and 14 of those still showed cancer cells.    The lump in the right, which started out about 3 inches long, had apparently split into two sections as a result of chemo that were 1.4 and 1.1 cm..... that's a total of about 1 inch.    So the lump, while still there, had shrunk considerably.     There was remaining cancer but the margins were also clear, so that's good too.    Of course we had hoped that the chemo would have killed all the cancer cells, but what we got was exactly what we expected and it confirmed my reservation on the radiation train.

Thursday morning I had an appointment for radiation planning.    Mom and I got there (8:30!   I'm NOT a morning person!) and got into the room where they make a mold of your upper body to help position you for the radiation treatments.    Unfortunately my Radiation Oncologist (who I like very much) came to see me and decided that my surgery was too "fresh" and we had to reschedule for 2 weeks from now.     That will postpone the start of my radiation by a couple of weeks as well.  

I came home from the hospital with live-in support from DH and Cousin Vicki.    Again I am reminded how LUCKY I am to have such a strong support system.    How women do this on their own is completely beyond me.    Vicki cooked and cleaned and decorated my home.    She also made me sit down at my desk and throw away a bunch of stuff I didn't need!    My house never looked better!    She helped me take care of the incision and the 3 drains that collect icky-looking stuff from tubes stuck in my chest!    Man... will I ever be glad to get rid of these things!     Vicki headed home Thursday and I am very grateful for her help.    

Next up is a visit with my oncologist next week.    I expect that he will start me on a long term regimen of Tamoxifen, which is a drug that has proven to reduce the recurrence of breast cancer.    My cancer was Estrogen Receptor Positive (ER+), meaning that it contained a protein that binds to estrogen which feeds the cancer cells.    Tamoxifen interferes with the activity of estrogen and by doing so, decreases the likelihood of the cancer returning.    Then in a couple weeks I'll have the radiation planning and a couple weeks after that will start an approximate 7 weeks of radiation.     Once that's over, we'll begin the wait for reconstruction.    

This weekend is the 4th anniversary party at my dance studio!    I am looking forward to watching my friends perform their showcase dances but even more to watching our studio pros.     When Vitaliy and Irina dance, it's so beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes.   Not sure what I'm going to wear that will accommodate my fake foam boobs and my dangling drains, but I'll be there!!!!

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers.     You are all in my prayers as well.   

Namaste

4/26/09

Yes, I know.    Long time, no blog.    Sorry!  

I've finished chemo!    I had my last treatment on 4/8/09.    A few side effects, but nothing bad enough , to keep me from working.  

I'm scheduled for surgery on 5/4/09.     Yes, that's Monday!    I'll only be in the hospital overnight and hope to return to work in 2 weeks.    Cousin Vicki has arrived and she and Mom will stay with me for a few days when I get home.    I told Vicki she had to be nice to me!    She said "for how long"?    Well, until I'm better!    She said, "wait, we've got to put a time limit on this!"    For anyone who knows Cousin Vicki, you know her nickname is "Sarge" and she really LOVES to tell people what to do!    She's also a fabulous cook and one of my favorite people in the world. 

Some great stories from the past few weeks.....

I had my yoga teacher come to my house one afternoon a few weeks ago.    I was having trouble sleeping and asked if she could help me with a yoga practice that would help me relax in the evening and hopefully sleep better.   Well, that wasn't what we ended up doing, but what we did was great!    She set up a very relaxing pose, with me laying on the floor very carefully propped up so there was no tension, and led me through a guided meditation.    It felt great.   We also did a sitting posture where I sat on the floor and laid my forehead down on the seat of a chair.    While I was sitting there, I could smell something.... not a specific perfume or scent, but something very refreshing.    I assumed she had used some aromatherapy scent and didn't think about it.    After we finished and were talking, she said "you have three spirit guides".    Really?   Hmmm....    OK.   Tell me more.    Then she told me that one of them was a woman with auburn hair and bright lively eyes and she was very excited to be there.     I shook my head.... that didn't really mean anything to me.     I asked if she had used any aromatherapy, but she indicated she had not, but that spirit guides will often use scent to indicate they are present.    Then as we finished, she saw a picture on the mantle, over the fireplace.    She picks up the picture and says "that was her".     The picture was of Vicki's mom, my mother's sister, my favorite aunt.     After all these years, she's still taking care of me.   I felt very blessed.

I received an email from a very sweet woman who had read this website.    She had just found a lump in her breast and wrote to tell me how she had found this site, that she had four cherished children and that she was so frightened about the lump.    And also to say that that she found comfort in this site and to thank me for giving hope and comfort.    I'd like to say to her how much her email touched me and that I only hope that this site will give that same encouragement and hope to others.    The not knowing is much worse than knowing, because once you know you can develop a plan and act.    Waiting is the hardest.    She sent me a follow-up note and I am thrilled to say that her doctor was sending her for a mammogram, but that he was very confident that it was benign.    Most lumps are benign... I have one that showed up on my very first mammogram over 15 years ago and it has never changed.    When I found the OTHER lump and had biopsies, my surgeon biopsied that first lump as well.    As we'd believed for all these years, it was a benign cyst.    Ladies -- if you have a lump, get it checked.    Odds are good that it's nothing and if that's true, you'll feel better.    If it does turn out to be malignant, believe it or not, once you know, you'll feel better.    Worrying only robs you of today.    It does not change tomorrow.   

To prepare for my surgery on Monday I went with a bunch of my dance friends to a small competition this weekend.   I couldn't think of any better way to get ready than to go dancing with some of my favorite people.    They brought me to tears Sunday morning in the hotel lobby where they presented me with a beautiful Breast Cancer Awareness bracelet and ALL of them wore pink ribbon pins to the competition.    They have supported me through my chemo, and I know will stand by through the rest of the journey.    I am so lucky to have them.    Oh yes.... and I took 5 first place awards for dancing Hustle, Cha Cha, Samba, Paso Doble and Rumba!!!   Here's what I looked like the day before surgery (dancing Pro-Am Rumba with my incredible teacher)!  

I will close for now.   I'll update soon after my surgery to keep everyone in the loop.    Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and good wishes.     

When in doubt... DANCE!

Namaste.

3/7/09

We've had a lot going and I wanted to provide an update before I forget something!   So grab a cup of tea and settle in!

I had my 2nd round of Taxotere on 2/26 and did much better than the last time.    I started taking Advil on Saturday morning to try and stay ahead of the muscle aches and have gotten through with only a little back pain.   And I didn't have to take any anti-nausea meds!   So this was a lot better than the first round.  Only 2 more to go!   I will finish chemo on April 8th!

My hair is growing!!!!   OK, so I know that only because I have a 10x magnifying mirror in my bathroom, still... it IS growing.    It is at least a 1/4 of an inch long.... at this rate I should have a full head of hair by.... 2011?   Oh well.   The wigs are fun and not really uncomfortable, so I can cope.    The worst part is that my eyelashes and eyebrows are definitely thinning.    I wear false eyelashes to go out dancing but they take WAY too long to put on to wear them to work.    And trust me, that's the ONLY reason I don't wear them to work!  

Here's another picture from the Valentine's Dance.   SOON I hope to have a few from our Winter Classique Showcase!  Photo courtesy of www.headinthecloudsphoto.com, official photographer of the Valentine's Day Dance and a pretty smooth dancer himself!

I had a great conversation with the intake person at the Center for Restorative Breast Surgery in New Orleans.   She was extremely helpful and informative.   Since I will require radiation, we talked about how that impacts my options for reconstruction.   She told me that it is possible to do radiation on a reconstructed breast, but that its not always the first choice.   Radiation can cause damage to the blood supply (a key component of the DIEP surgery) and can also shrink the breast.    They can do some things to minimize those issues during the reconstruction.    Another option they offered was to go ahead and have the mastectomy and have expanders put in place, then have radiation and reconstruction.    We'll think about that.... 

I had a similar conversation with the intake person at the Center for Microsurgical Breast Reconstruction in Charleston, SC.    Dr. Robert Allen is the doctor that pioneered the DIEP procedure in 1992.    Their advice was a little different -- just go ahead and have the mastectomy, have the radiation and then do the reconstruction.    They did not recommend expanders, and they did not recommend doing reconstruction before radiation.    Hmmm..... more to think about!

Mom, DS and I met with the radiation doctor.    She was great.    She spent a long time with us, and we felt very comfortable with her.    We talked about the DIEP procedure and she knew two women who had had that surgery.   She called them while we were there!   One of them worked at the hospital where we were and she came down to the Radiology office to talk with us.    She was incredibly helpful... I am still so very grateful to her for dropping everything and coming to see us.    She talked very openly about her surgery, her doctor (Dr. Allen!), her recovery, and how pleased she was with the results.    She unhesitatingly lifted her shirt and showed us her results.... AMAZING!    They looked fabulous!

DS and I went to meet the 2nd woman that the radiation doc had called.    She called me and said that this is much easier in person and would I like to meet her somewhere.    So we talked for 20-30 minutes (she gave me a coffee mug that says "Cancer Sucks") and then she says "do you want to see them"?   Well, yes, I really do.   I then find myself in a ladies restroom sharing a handicapped stall with a woman I've known for 30 minutes and I have her breast in my hand!    Didn't that senator in Minneapolis get arrested for something like this???  Ok, yes, I joke about it (because, admit it.... it IS pretty funny!), but again, I have to say what amazing women I have met on this journey!   Everyone is so willing and eager to help, to share, to encourage... I pray that someday I will be able to pass that gift along to someone else.   Even if it means showing my new boobs to another woman in another restroom and making her feel like she can get through this.   BTW, her breasts were great and they feel, well, they feel just like breasts!   What a concept!    Her doctor was also Dr. Allen.   This guy must be pretty good!

(Yes... this is getting a little long.... feel free to take a break if you need!)

THEN Mom, DS and I (we're getting to be quite the team!) went to see a local plastic surgeon.    Let me just say that one thing I know for sure is that you have to trust your gut.    And all of us knew before the doctor even came in the room that this wasn't the place for us.    We didn't feel comfortable in the office, in the exam room, with the nurse and it didn't get any better when the doctor came in!   We talked about implants, because that's what he does.  That's not what I want and even if I did that's not who I would have do them!    End of conversation!

So what's next, you ask?   We hope to know more when we go back to the oncologist this week.   But here's what we're thinking:   I'll go ahead with the double mastectomy as soon as we can.    Since I'll finish chemo on 4/8, I'll need a few weeks to recover and will hope to schedule surgery in early May.    Then I'll need a few weeks again (Cousin Vicki is coming to help!!!!) before I'll be ready to start radiation.    Hopefully we'll be able to do that by mid-June.   Six or seven weeks of radiation and then a several month break before reconstruction.   I'm hoping to go to Charleston and have Dr. Allen do my recon.   Now, they say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!    So, I'm pretty sure he's chuckling at me right now!  

Mom and I are getting ready for our trip to the beach!   We're leaving on April 1st and will spend about 5 days goofing off and eating well.    My BFF MK and her daughter are going to join us for part of the trip.    Hopefully we'll have some pictures to share when we get back.   I'm still taking my Latin Aerobics on Saturday, belly dancing and yoga on Wednesdays and a couple of dance lessons every week.    I firmly believe that staying active is key in getting through the chemo as easily as I have.   

Faith is believing that one of two things will happen.   That there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

Namaste.

2/21/09

Well, I guess we all know now that I'll never make a living as a newspaper columnist!   I'm really bad at this frequent blogging!  

All is going very well.   As I mentioned below, I've finished my 4 rounds of FEC and have completed my first of 4 rounds of Taxotere.   I'm doing just fine now, but will have to admit that I had a few rough days on this.   I'll be more prepared for the next round.   The Taxotere caused some pretty severe muscle aches, but I'll start taking Advil ahead of it and hopefully keep it under control.   

Mom and I went to the oncologist last Thursday and got the news that I will require radiation after I have surgery.   That was not surprising, but definitely disappointing.    But at least now we know what we have to deal with and move forward.    I have my next chemo on Thursday afternoon, then Friday morning Mom and I will meet the radiation pathologist.   The following Monday we'll meet with a plastic surgeon to discuss some of my reconstruction options.  

Reconstruction may be a little more difficult to plan, now that I know I need radiation.    I have been lucky to talk to several women who have already been through it.   So far, most of the women I've talked to had what is called a "TRAM Flap" procedure done, and have been pleased with the results.    I am looking at one called a "DIEP Flap" procedure.   It preserves the abdominal muscles, while using the fatty tissue from the tummy and reconnecting blood vessels to make new breasts.  I have not yet talked to anyone who has had that surgery (though I've read a lot about it) and I have not found a surgeon in town who does the surgery.    I have, however, found a center in New Orleans (Center for Restorative  Breast Surgery - www.breastcenter.com) that specializes in it.    I'll be talking to them this week to discuss the possibility of having my surgery done there.   A woman who had the surgery in New Orleans has a YouTube video describing her experience.   If you're REALLY interested (it's 1/2 hour long!) you can see it here.   

I know you'll all be surprised (not!) to know I'm still dancing as much as I can!    Several of us went to a Valentine's Dance that was a benefit for a local charity.    Here's a picture that appeared on the local newspaper's website!   I wore my short dark wig (several of my dance friends have named this one "Ava".    The longer reddish one was dubbed "Katusha"!)  I still make it to Latin Aerobics every Saturday and this week I took my first belly dancing lesson!!!   It was great fun and really good exercise!      The studio is planning an anniversary event in May and I'll be part of a ladies group number to the song "All That Jazz" from the movie "Chicago".     So, when you don't see an update on this website, it's because I'm way too busy dancing!

I am very blessed with family and friends who have told me they are praying for me.   I am certain those prayers are working and I am very grateful.   Several members of my family are going through difficulties and I ask you to consider them in your prayers as well:   Cousin J who is back on chemo now after her mastectomy, Cousin Jim who is in the hospital and Cousin Anne (Jim's wife) who just lost her mother. 

I'll close as my yoga teacher ends each class:

Shanti, shanti, shanti.   Peace, peace, peace.   May you live in beauty and walk in abundance.    Namaste.  

(Namaste means "the light in me honors the light in you")

1/22/09

Yes, yes, I know... it's been a while since my last update.    All that means is that I am WAY too busy to sit around and write!   So, get a cup of tea (I've pretty well given up coffee!) or a glass of grape juice (yea... I gave up the wine too!) and enjoy my notes on what's happening!

Well, the news about the breast cancer is all good.   The results of the gene test I had done were negative -- I do not carry the gene that makes it likely to get breast cancer.  For me, that probably means I don't have to have a hysterectomy, because having the gene would make it more likely to get uterine or ovarian cancer.    Even better, it means that sister and nieces are not at an increased risk.    The other good news is that the lump is significantly smaller, so the chemo is doing exactly what it's supposed to do.    While I'm still planning for a double mastectomy this spring/summer, shrinking the stupid thing has to make that easier!  

Dear Cousin J and I spent an afternoon together this week, going to a "Look Good, Feel Better" program sponsored by the American Cancer Society.    We had a great time!   We both got bags full of makeup and tried on wigs and learned how to tie scarves.    Some of it was pretty funny looking!    I also met someone who is trained in trimming wigs who will help me get my short dark wig shaped to keep the hair out of my face!   We also met several brave, wonderful women who were battling various cancers and they will remain in our thoughts and prayers.  

For those who don't know my Cousin J, she is a 17 year breast cancer survivor.   She had breast cancer when she was only 38 or 39, had a mastectomy, then it moved to her uterus, she had a hysterectomy, then it metastasized in her lungs and bones.    For her, chemo will continue the rest of her life.   With all that, Cousin J is doing great!   However, a recent routine mammogram found a spot in her remaining breast, and a biopsy confirmed it to be yet another round of cancer.    Cousin J has a wonderful, positive attitude and we know she will come through her upcoming mastectomy with flying colors.   She is my hero. 

I'm halfway through chemo!   Yippee!    I have finished with my four treatments of FEC (the "PowerPuff Girls" from an earlier post!) and will start next Thursday with four rounds of Taxotere.    The good news with that is that my blood counts may not be as affected, so I probably won't have to have the Neulasta shot the day after chemo (one less needle!).   It has been known to affect the fingernails, turning them dark and in some cases falling off.   That's NOT happening!    I can deal with losing the hair, but hey, I've got pretty good nails and they better not fall off!   

So, what else is keeping me busy?   Dancing of course!   My incredible dance teacher offered to teach me in 1/2 lessons.... when I couldn't make it through a full 45 minutes of samba!   It's been really good and while I'm still worn out when I leave, I feel great.   Just to prove it, I'll be dancing on Saturday in our "Winter Classique" showcase doing Cha Cha, Rumba, Samba, Paso Doble and Hustle!   I'll post some pictures next week but this is going to be a great time!    Mom, DS (remember... blog-speak for "Dear Sister") and BFF Becky are coming to watch me.    I'm making a complete day of it, arriving in full makeup (think pancake makeup and false eyelashes!) at 10:30 in the morning, will dance or watch my friends dance from noon until 5:00 or so, then change for dinner and party.   To make it easier, I'm going to spend the night at the hotel with 2 of my "dance chick" friends!   Wouldn't want me out driving after too many glasses of grape juice! 

Mom and I are also planning a vacation!   I called Mom one morning and said "I've been thinking".   Now, those are words that always get a reaction!    And I told Mom that according to my oncologist, I'd have 3-4 weeks between my final chemo and surgery.    Since by that time I'm hoping to have lost 15-20 pounds and I'll still have boobs.... I'm going to the beach!    I let her pick the beach and she picked Padre Island, on the gulf coast of Texas!   Mom's friend, Charlie, winters there so we're going to go visit!   We're really looking forward to a few days away before the next part of this journey starts.

Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for their cards, emails, gifts, flowers, thoughts and prayers.    In case you're worried about saying the wrong thing, or being afraid to mention my breast cancer.... there's nothing to worry about.   I'm fine.   I look better than ever, I feel fine 90% of the time and in some ways, this has been kinda fun!    My dear mother actually said to me recently.... "you always did like to be the center of attention!"    You think?   Moi?   The Diva?   The one who wanted false eyelashes from Paris for Christmas?   Who thinks everything looks better with glitter on it?   I guess, perhaps, she had a point.   If I had wanted to keep this private, I certainly wouldn't have created this website.    I can't control a lot of this, but I can control what I think about, what I focus on, my attitude.   And hopefully, by keeping all those positive, I can encourage someone else.  

I got a great note from Charlie that I'm going to print and put on my bathroom mirror to read everyday.    It had several great quotes but I'll close with one of my favorites:

"When God closes one door, he always opens another, even though sometimes it's hell in the hallway!"

1/5/09

Happy New Year!    

I'd like to give a nod to my dear friend Michael who will know what I'm feeling when I say "it's always faster the second time".    I had written quite the update a couple days ago but something went wrong when I tried to make it live and it all just.... disappeared.     So, here we go again.

One of the things I've noticed most in the last few weeks is how many people have been touched by breast cancer.    Everyone, without fail, when I tell them I have breast cancer replies with the same response..... "I, my mother, my sister, my cousin, my aunt, my friend, my niece, my co-worker".    EVERYONE has been affected by this disease.    I think we often believe we are invincible, I know I certainly did.    That's not to say that this thing is going to win (because it's not.... I already know that) but it does bring a realization that we all need to take care of ourselves.   So once again I urge you all..... get your tests (whether it's mammograms or cholesterol or whatever), take your vitamins, get some exercise, and laugh!    I still believe "if you can laugh at it, you can live through it!"  

Mom had an interesting encounter last week that I think is worth sharing.    She had gone to the cemetery to check the flowers on Daddy's grave, and the flowers in the side urns had blown into the nearby field.    She went to retrieve them, and in the process she dropped her car keys.     Now, knowing my mother, you KNOW she looked for quite some time before she called me to admit what had happened!!!   I was at Target, picking up a prescription (which means the pharmacist, who's getting to know me, knows this story).   One of her granddaughters has her extra key, so I track her down, go get the key and head to the cemetery.    In the meantime, it was a very nice day and Mom was leaning on the car when an older gentleman came up to visit his wife's grave not far from Daddy's.   He came over to where Mom was standing and they talked.    He was having a very hard time with the holidays; his wife having been gone for less than a year.   Mom listened, and offered encouragement, assuring him that it will get better.    As he prepared to leave he said "well, I think I'll just take a little walk in the field" to look for her car keys.    Well, if he's going to look then she probably should too!   And so, in the same place that she'd walked and looked before, she looked down and found the keys!   

So, why then?   Well, my thought is that it wasn't time for her to find them the first (or second or third) time she looked.    She was supposed to be there when that lonely, grieving man came by.    At the risk of sounding a bit odd, I think that each of us in this life have the opportunity to be used by God to help others.... to be angels, if you will.    I don't think angels are beautiful creatures with flowing gowns and white feather wings that float around on clouds and play harps.    I think, sometimes, they may show up as a little grey haired lady with a hump on her back who pats you on the shoulder and says "it's going to be all right".   

OK.... 'nuff of that.    I had a great New Years Eve dinner with a bunch of my dance friends at El Meson.   And DS (that's short for "Dear Sister" for those of you who are not up on blog-speak) and DBIL (c'mon.... the guy that's married to DS...) had a great open house/party on New Years Day.   Oh yes, I had chemo on New Years Eve at 8:00 in the morning!!!!!   All went well, my blood counts are perfect and Mom and I had a very enjoyable conversation with a couple there.    She also had breast cancer (see paragraph 2 above!) but it had never been in her breasts... instead, she had breast cancer in her stomach.   When they found it, they didn't know what kind of cancer it was... her husband said he never thought he'd pray that his wife would have breast cancer!   Breast cancer is more treatable, and they have been battling for some time.   We traded email addresses and hope to see them again.   

Generally speaking, I feel fine and my "hair" looks better than ever!   It certainly cuts down on my time in the morning getting ready for work and I've got a lot more counter space in the bathroom!!!  I made it to Latin Aerobics on Saturday... my energy level was a bit lower than usual, but I did OK.     I also signed up for a yoga class at work during lunch one day a week... lots of stories about exercise making the side effects of chemo easier.    I'll give it my best shot, but I'm not sure what happens when I try a "downward facing dog" (that's a yoga pose) with a wig on!  

I'll close with a quote from my new "chemo buddies".....

Life may not be the party we expected, but while we're here we may as well DANCE!

12/26/08

Finally!!!!   We're live and working!   Who says Christmas doesn't bring miracles!

We had a GREAT time on Christmas Eve.   I think there were about 30 people at Mom's house at one time or another.   And the "White Elephant" gift exchange was a blast.   Who knew Cora liked Corona?    That pink tool kit was really cool too.   I'm really going to enjoy that manicure and pedicure I took away from my sister!   When word gets out, we'll have even more next year.

I went back to the doc Christmas Eve morning as well.     All is good.   Blood counts are perfect, lump is smaller and softer and I feel fine.    Those present on Christmas Eve will also agree with my sister that my own hair never looked as good as the wig does!   

I'm hoping to add a page of pictures from Christmas, but in the meantime, at least this is up and working!   

Peace and love to all.

12/21/08

Well everyone, if you still harbored any thoughts that I was a techie, I'd like to lay those to rest right now!    I have been trying to get this site up and running for a month and have nearly given up.    So, this isn't exactly how I envisioned it, at least it's live!   Lots to catch up on though.....

Last Saturday, Mom, Sis and I went wig shopping!  I still have my hair, but the doctor and chemo nurse have both assured  me that I won't keep it.   So, the best defense is a good offense, right?   I found a place locally that specializes in chemo and alopecia patients.   The owner, Beverly, was WONDERFUL!    We tried on nearly all the wigs in her shop, including the one on her head!   Now THAT'S customer service!    Mom and Sis got into the act too!   Check out the "Wig Shopping" page for some photos we took that day.   

Thursday afternoon (12/18) and it's time for my second chemo treatment.   This time we were prepared!   We had our beautiful pink fleece blankets, a batch of chocolate chip cookies, a big cup of ice, and a liter bottle of water.    Oh, and books to read, and my iPhone, and my Blackberry.....  we looked like we were moving in!   We settled into a couple of chairs in the back chemo room (a little more private than last week).   Now maybe you're wondering why I took the cup of ice?   Even if you're not wondering... the chemo nurse told me to eat ice chips during the part of the treatment when she's administering one of the drugs to help prevent mouth sores.   By the time she got done with that drug I was huddling under my fleece blanket freezing to death!   (So far, no mouth sores though!)

So it's now late Sunday night and I'm 3 days past treatment.    Thursday and Friday were good.    Mom and I did some shopping on Thursday and had dinner at one of our favorite places - Bob Evans.   On Friday Mom and I went back to the doc's office for my Neulasta shot, did a little running around, then I went home for a nap before going to the dance studio for our Christmas dance.   I wore the short, dark wig and a long black dress and spent more time talking and laughing with my friends than actually dancing!   Still had a great time!

Saturday morning and it's time for Latin Aerobics.    But when I got home from the party on Friday night and took off the wig, I noticed that my own hair seems to be coming out too.   Saturday morning, I'm definitely shedding.   It's not in clumps, but it's falling.   So, I wrapped my head up in a scarf, and went to class!    Again, I made it through most of the class.... only needed to sit out for a few minutes.   After that I went to the nearby Great Clips and a very nice woman there cut the rest of it off.    I put my wig on my newly shaven head and went to Target!   Then it was home to nap.    That was enough for one day.    Sunday was laid back and I'm hoping some of my energy will be back on Monday.    I'm off work for the rest of the year which helps a lot.  

Oh... did I tell you?   I got a job!    Yes.... I said I would get the job before I started chemo.   I did.   On Wednesday 12/3, my manager extended an offer of a full time position, and on 12/4 I started chemo.    Hmmm.... sometimes things DO work out the way you want!!!

So far I'm not having any serious problems with the chemo and am certain that it will be successful.   The lump in my breast hurts sometimes, and I know it's because those "Powerpuff Girls" are kicking some serious breast cancer booty!   I am surrounded by great friends and wonderful family.    As Tiny Tim once said:   God bless us every one.

And remember -- If you can laugh at it, you can live through it.   

12/6/08

I'll start this at the beginning. 

It was a dark and stormy night....   No, wrong story.   Sorry.

It was a Wednesday night (Oct 29, 2008) and I'd had a great dinner with co-workers at El Meson, one of my favorite restaurants.   And since they have Latin dancing there on Wednesday nights, I bid farewell to my co-workers and went dancing.    It was a good evening.    I went home and as I got undressed I bumped my right breast and thought "that felt funny".    I felt a little more and didn't think it was funny at all.   

I was in my doctor's office the next afternoon.    I had a mammogram and ultrasound on Friday morning.    The radiologist came in and called the lump "worrisome".    I'm a smart chick.... this ain't good.    He recommends a biopsy and will call my gynecologist.    I immediately call my sister.   She has just had a biopsy of her own. and I got the name of her doctor.    I book an appointment on Veteran's day.   

Mom, Sis, niece Ashley and I have lunch at Panera.   Then Mom, Sis and I go to the surgeon.    She offers 2 options:   biopsy 3 places today and go have a 4th, different type, biopsy next week, or just wait and do them all next week.    I'd like to know.   Lets do it now.   So, my mother stood beside me through it all, Sis was there too.   I have no idea exactly what happened.   I kept my eyes closed.   There are some things in life you just don’t need to see!  The biopsy on my left side (I’ve had a small lump there since my first mammogram 15 years ago) came back benign.   On my right she took two samples, one from the lump and one from a lymph node.    Those two were diagnosed as Invasive (or Infiltrating) Ductal Carcinoma.   On 11/13/08 I am officially diagnosed with breast cancer.

I met my new oncologist on 11/21/08.   Mom and Sis were there   He offers "options" too.    These are "chemo then surgery" or "surgery then chemo".   Wow....  we pick chemo first.    And 36 days after I first found the lump, I started chemotherapy on 12/4/08.  

Before I start my chemo, though, I still need a few more tests.    The mammogram showed an area of micro calcifications in my left breast and that needs a stereotactic biopsy.    And I need a PET scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else.   We did both of those tests on 11/19.    The PET scan was good.    The biopsy showed Ductal Carcinoma in Situ in the left breast.... it's still cancer, but it hasn't moved out of the duct into the surrounding tissue.   

The first treatment went well.    We had a good day.   Mom and I went to the doctors office.   He checked me out and sent us over to the "chemo room".    Not exactly what I had in mind.    Lots of people, virtually all of them older than me.    All in recliners with IV's.  I get a chair in the corner, next to an older man who is snoring away.    His wife is sitting nearby.   Mom sits next to her and makes friends.   It's freezing in here!    They give me a blanket, but it's really not much help.   The nurse is great.   Tells me everything I need to know.   It doesn't hurt.   I get three different chemo drugs (5-Fu, Epirubicin and Cytoxin - FEC).    I have to come back the next day for another drug to help build white blood cells (Neulasta).   I picture them as the Powerpuff Girls kicking those cancer cells out of my body.   

When we finish, Mom and I go to lunch.    Then we go shopping for fleece to make pretty pink ribbon blankets to take with us to the next appointment.   Sis and niece Melanie come over that evening and we make blankets.   It was actually a pretty good day!    The next day I felt pretty good, went and got the Neulasta shot, and came home and took a nap.    Then I got dressed and went dancing!   

Saturday morning I still felt pretty good, though I was moving a little slower than usual.    But I made it to my Latin Aerobics class (every Saturday morning!).    I had to sit out for a few minutes of the cha-cha, but otherwise, I was pretty happy with how well I kept up.    But by the time it was over, my energy was gone.    I came home, did a few chores, and took a two hour nap.

My dearest friend and her daughter came to visit, bearing gifts.    They set up 2 "Pink Ribbon Trees" in my house -- one pink, one purple, because she couldn't decide!   She hot glued 2 colors of pink ribbon strips into the breast cancer ribbons and decorated the trees.   My cats love then.   

I have received so many gifts and well wishes.     An angel ornament engraved "Protect This Woman".    Homemade chicken noodle soup.   Chili.   Spaghetti sauce.   Cards.   Phone calls.   Emails.  Flowers.     I am so blessed to have all these people in my life.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.    I am not afraid.   I am not freaking out.    I have an incredible support system behind me.  If I start to fall, there will be a dozen people there to catch me.   I am one of the luckiest women in the world.   I believe everything happens for a reason, and it is not important that I know WHAT the plan is, to believe that there IS a plan.   There are lessons to be learned, or taught.   I don’t know yet if I am the student or the teacher…. I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both.   I’m ok with that.  

And remember -- If you can laugh at it, you can live through it.